What is sexual exploration without a few hilarious, horrible stories to share? Our HCCU writers compiled some of our weirdest sexual experiences for your anecdotal pleasure. Cringe along with us below:
…Family Feud?
I was 16 and felt that I was so ready to lose my virginity. I had a boyfriend, I was excited, he bought condoms and everything was ready to go. I’m at my parent’s house because where else does a 16-year old go? It’s an hour before my 16th birthday party where all my friends will be coming over, but my boyfriend came over earlier in the day to get spicy because, of course, this was planned out. It’s all normal, fooling around with the TV on in the background. We pause before actually getting to the deed to make sure we feel ready to go and relax to some “Family Feud.” About halfway through the episode, we decide it’s go time. The condom is on, sex is about to commence, and I’m much too busy to think about what’s on the TV until it’s happening, and I realize we both feel too awkward to talk during sex becuase it’s our first times, and all I can hear is Steve Harvey and our quiet moaning (can’t get caught the first time!). To ease the awkwardness of having sex to Steve’s voice, afterward I shoot my boyfriend-at-the-time some finger guns on the way to the bathroom. Somehow, we are still friends after all this. If you’re reading this, hi!
Ouchies
I went home with a guy after a frat event. We were hooking up, and things were getting hot and heavy. My shirt came off, and next thing I knew he was kissing me all over. It was then that I felt the sharpest, most painful shock run through my body. Then another, then another. My date was biting my nipples so hard it was sending waves of nausea through my system. After gently guiding him elsewhere, he continued to work his way back up and bite even harder. Again and again he chewed my boobs like a cannibal. I left that night without thinking much of it, but when I woke up the next morning, my nips were bleeding, purple, swollen, and probably infected. I couldn’t even wear a shirt because if anything touched them, they felt like stab wounds. This was probably the worst week and a half of my life, so I’ve since then become a much more communicative, assertive partner in bed.
Sibling Intervention
When I lost my virginity, I was at my boyfriend’s house my sophomore year. My boyfriend had a tenyear old brother who unfortunately was also home, but being dumb teenagers, we thought the perfect time to do the deed was while his younger brother was pooping in the bathroom next door. We kept the door slightly cracked so we could hear footsteps in the hallway and started going for it. Considering this was my first time, it was actually pretty good, that is until his little brother finished pooping, and like any kid, came running down the hallway to see what we were doing. I scrambled to get dressed as fast as I could and threw myself across the room away from my boyfriend. Luckily, the little brother didn’t pick up on what he had almost walked in on. Instead, he proceeded to tell us about his massive poop. Somehow we convinced the little brother to leave, and then we finished the act anyway.
Putting the hot in hot sauce
My high school boyfriend loved hot sauce. Now that I look back, it was definitely a red flag to not only cover every meal in Tabasco but also keep a bottle in the living room and bedroom so he didn’t have to walk across the house to douse his food in spiciness if he forgot to do it in the kitchen. So, you can probably guess that his lips were always covered in Tabasco, and sometimes his fingers too. Took me a while to realize that the burning after kissing both on my lips and private area was not normal. To this day I can’t eat Tabasco because it reminds me of some of the most painful hot-sauce infused post-sex pees ever. Always make sure whoever you’re dating washes their hands and has a mint before beginning any foreplay.
Okay, rude
It was around April of this year when I met one of the prettiest girls on campus. I was overjoyed when I found out that she wasn’t straight. Soon enough, she became my girlfriend. I’ve had a fair share of girlfriends before her, but holy sh*t, I was overjoyed. She was that hot, making me overlook all of her red flags. But my rose-tinted glasses turned into 20/20 vision after I had sex with her for the first time. I made out with her for a while in her messy bedroom, and when I sat down on her bed, I realized my butt landed in a pool of spilled hair dye, which was pretty disastrous. I still ignored that and moved forward because again, she was that hot, and I swore this was the best thing that would ever happen in my life. I felt like I was in heaven when I finished. Until she said, “I don’t think I really liked that. I think I’m straight.”I have never been so heartbroken or humiliated at the same time. I went home that night and bawled my eyes out, knowing that this girl I idolized never liked me back. And that was the last time I dated a girl for a while.
Keep your voice down
I’m a huge fan of the body positivity movement. After gaining a ton of weight after starting a strong anti-psychotic (which saved my life), I soon realized that society’s hatred of fat people had nothing to do with health and everything to do with misogyny. However, I didn’t really think that it would benefit men.
This was my freshman year of college, and I was super stoked. I was finally getting laid by who I loved with my whole heart. He was so perfect. So smart. So gorgeous. And oh so oblivious to how thin the walls of my dorm were. His voice was ridiculously loud for an introvert. Things got intimate for the first time with this guy, and we both started stripping. I was naked. And he didn’t take off his jeans.
I asked him what was wrong, whispering so the people on my floor couldn’t hear him. And that’s when he almost yelled, “I hope you don’t mind, but I’m not the biggest down there.”
I didn’t mind. Obviously, the whole big penis thing is overhyped in the first place. I accepted him.
But the girls on my floor didn’t. Not even a few seconds later, people on my floor started howling. Laughing. To my horror, everyone on my floor heard those cursed words. I was really embarrassed, but I was also horny, so I still had sex with him. But I’ll never forget the goofy grins I got on the elevator while I avoided eye contact.
Marching to the beat of his own drum
I was still a naive 16 years old when I had sex with a guy for the first time. I finally talked him into using a condom (ew). If I’ve ever regretted having sex, it was this one. We had approximately 30 minutes before his mom got home. I wasn’t attracted to him, but every girl on the planet talked about how good having sex (with a boy) was, so naturally, I hopped on board. First of all, he didn’t wear deodorant. I don’t think he even showered. Or cared for oral hygiene. I gritted my teeth because I thought that was the best thing I could do. I wish I could go back and tell my 16 year old self that no matter how low her self-esteem is, never settle for a guy who was literally a colony of bacteria. But I laid there like a starfish, waiting for a mind-blowing experience. His bed was super squeaky and was so hard that it could probably be used as a form of torture. And when he started thrusting in me while I winced in pain, he suddenly got up. “Close your eyes,” he whispered. I said okay, and I heard some footsteps coming towards me after a while. Then I heard his crappy phone speakers play the Nine Inch Nail song, “Closer to God.” I was horrified. I did not consent to this. He pushed me down and went in me, and when the chorus came on, he started thrusting to the beat while singing the song.
“I wanna f*ck you like an animal, I wanna feel you from the inside, I wanna f*ck you like an animal, My whole existence is flawed”
He came after that. I didn’t. I wanted to throw up. And after that, I swore that sex was the worst thing on the planet, and anyone who said it was good was lying to themselves. I also dated him for three years.
Don’t get caught
Ah yes, having sex in your car in high school because that was the only option. To be clear, I was banging in my at-the-time boyfriend’s truck like, pretty regularly. It became quite the strategy to find a spot to park and do it, a place that was dark enough, wouldn’t have a lot or any passing cars, and also wouldn’t be subject to a visit from the cops. We had quite the flawless track record of finding the perfect sex spots. On our last night doing it in his car (before I moved into my college house and we could just do it there), we went to a new spot. It took a bit to find, hidden in a cul de sac at the bottom of a hill and really dark. So yeah yeah, we get in the backseat and start messing around. Obviously, my shirt and bra are off when we start having sex (me on top). We are having sex for a few seconds when cop lights appear at the top of the hill. Yuuuup. I am on top of a boy (naked), the cop car is quickly approaching, and he still has a condom on.
By the time the car parked behind us, the cop (a female cop, thank goodness for whoever sent her) lightly tapped the window and asked if we had clothes on. Okay lady, you know the answer to that. For whatever reason, I said “not yet,” which did not help the situation. She let us have a few seconds to get some clothes on, and my boyfriend then got out of the truck to talk to her. Yes, he still had the condom on and just pulled his underwear up over it. She said that we were trespassing/it was private property, which is fair, so we weren’t really in trouble for public indecency or anything. We got away pretty unscathed all things considered, but the sight of cop lights shining on me when I’m in one of the most vulnerable positions a female could ever be in is definitely burned in my memory. Safe to say I haven’t had sex in a car since.
The shared wall
Long story short. The guy I’m hooking up with shares a wall with his roommate. His bed is up against the shared wall (why?) and is pretty squeaky. We had sex, and the next day, homeboy’s roommate says “Uh, yo. Maybe you should move your bed off the wall.” Homeboy said “Haha, okay.” #bros. Oh well, the sex was good.
We hope you enjoyed a compilation of some embarrassing sex stories!