I recently went to coffee with a friend I used to call my closest and lifelong friend. We had been friends for 12 years, until the summer before we both left for college. Even now, months later, I can’t think of a single moment when it all unraveled. I can’t remember the time when it became awkward to send an update text or even to reach out to do something. For so long, they were my best friend and the person who knew me best.Â
Our friendship was always fun and uplifting, and I leaned on it in my lowest moments when I just needed to smile. I still miss those times we spent laughing together and driving around aimlessly. But as I grew up, I also began to realize I needed deeper relationships that involved more than just laughing. As mature as I felt at the moment, looking back now, I wish I had held that relationship even closer.
The first thought that separated us was that college was coming up. We knew we were going to separate colleges and unknowingly began to make friends who didn’t mix as well as we did. Between the forthcoming separation and increased time spent with other people, the time we spent together slowly decreased over the last summer until the silence between us became tangible and seemingly unable to be broken.Â
I texted her before going home for break. I felt I needed to see her, but I didn’t want to admit to myself that I was also to blame for our drifting relationship. We met for coffee in a weirdly comfortable and normal way. Although the initial hello and forced hug were a little awkward, every moment after felt like old times. We talked about our classes, new friends, dorm decor, and the main topic that always seemed to overwhelm our conversations: boys.Â
It was a conversation we had repeated for years. She talked about a boy she was seeing at college and how much she liked him. It was the first time I felt this conversation was thoughtfully mature and full of love rather than pure attraction. She asked about my boyfriend and I filled her in on how the crush I had when we were best friends was now the love of my life. It seemed like everything had changed. It was odd at first, but the topic that seemingly drove our relationship apart was now what was bringing us back together.Â
Our coffee ended with what may have been an appointment or a quick escape from the forthcoming lack of conversation — we hugged and mentioned a yoga date that we both knew would never happen. I left coffee feeling closure but also left without an answer. I don’t know what I was expecting to happen, maybe plans would be made or we’d come to the mutual realization we wanted our friendship back the way it was.Â
I didn’t know then, but I’ve come to realize that my childhood best friend was my first true heartbreak and the only relationship I felt I needed closure from. I wish I had realized this sooner. Our coffee date was my closure and the end of a chapter I had been holding onto, hoping it would reopen someday.
And although I wish we could go back and fix whatever broke our friendship, I’d love to meet for coffee again.