I love you, a simple phrase of just three words that is easy to say, but carries so much weight.Â
When I was little, I remember watching Gilmore Girls with my mom. We were at the scene where Dean says, “I love you,” to Rory, but she doesnât respond. She just sits looking at him blankly. This frustrates Dean, who expects Rory to reciprocate the feeling of love immediately. He breaks up with her immediately after. I remember my mom turning to me and specifically saying those words were important and that I should never be pressured to say them just because someone else said them to me.
I always thought I would wait to say those words. I wanted them to mean something and for someone to mean so much to me that those words came naturally. I thought there would be a build-up to the first time I used those three words, a shared feeling that we both recognized, but were too scared to be the first to admit these deeper feelings.
As much as I had hoped and dreamed of this, my first time saying âI love youâ was much like Roryâs. The thought or feeling of love had not even crossed my mind. I felt lust and passion, but not a feeling of love. I remember saying I wasnât ready to say that yet, but I could see myself feeling that at some point. I remember seeing the immediate regret and anger in his face. Our relationship started to decline after that until I eventually gave in and said âI love youâ weeks later in an attempt to save what I knew was ending soon. As most first high school relationships do, our relationship didnât last long. I remember blaming myself for a while for not saying it, thinking that was the true problem that drew us apart.Â
I eventually moved on and really just decided that what was meant to come to me, would find me. I didnât pay attention to boys as much for a while. I was a busy student with other things to focus on with little reward for my efforts. I finished my junior year and went through most of my senior year with this mindset. I had small crushes, but really didnât give them too much of my energy. Of course, until I found someone I really liked.Â
Before my current love, I thought love would be an instant overwhelming feeling. A moment where I looked at someone and just knew my feelings of lust had become love. I waited for that one moment to happen for a while when going out with my boyfriend. And while there was a moment when I realized I was ready to say those words, it was a slow build up. I no longer was just attracted to that person or his personality, but I started to admire him. I wanted to be around him just for his presence.Â
I remember this one day earlier in our relationship, not quite officially dating, but going out regularly and getting to know each other, and I was very very sick. Of course when youâre 18-years-old, your parents donât stay home from work to take care of you when youâre home sick from school anymore. I was curled up in bed when I had a knock on my door, and there he was with one of my favorite drinks and Liquid IV. Looking back, I had one of those moments, it wasnât a loud realization, but maybe just a whisper that I was falling for this person.
This whisper continued through every moment we had together. It continued for a while, but started to slowly build over time until I knew the feelings I had â but I was scared. No one wants to be the first one to say it, but I had learned in my previous relationship that I donât want one of us not feeling it yet to be the end of our relationship. I knew that I loved him for probably a week. I left little hints like âI love spending time with you,â and many more âI loveâŚ,â using the word as much as I could. Even though he was unknowingly starting to have the same thoughts of love I was.Â
We both eventually said it, going back and forth with telling each other how we were feeling about our relationship, sharing awkward silences waiting for the other to say it first. After this back and forth, I said it. I paused at the end, holding my breath and waiting for what was to come. Knowing I would maybe be a little sad if it wasnât reciprocated, but reminding myself it is not the end of our relationship. I would not repeat what happened to me. The pause felt long, but in reality, it was milliseconds before he said, âI love you too.â I felt myself breathe again with the biggest smile on my face, feeling completely in love and overjoyed with my relationship.
Those words will always be sacred to me. I think about that episode of Gilmore Girls a lot, about how grateful I am for my relationship and the build-up I felt in this one. I kept waiting for that eye-opening moment but was unknowingly experiencing it with every second we were together. Even today, I fall more and more in love with him. It feels like that whisper is always in my head, thinking about the love I feel, and how it grows every day. Some days itâs louder, when I miss him or weâre together, but other days itâs quiet in the back of my mind, a little whisper reminding me that while we are not together daily, his love is with me always.
I love you is a beautiful sentiment, but not one that should be forced to say or use lightly. Iâm grateful to have learned this so early on, but even more, I am grateful to experience true love.