I lost my grandpa on Sept. 25, 2025. When my mom told me the news, I had just gotten to the gym and had enough time to stretch before working on legs that day. My life seemed so normal and organized until my mom called me crying, asking me what I’m doing, where I’m at, and who I’m with. I answered her questions, afraid of the news she will tell me. I never once thought that she would tell me that my grandpa had passed away.
Grief is a strong thing — it truly changes the way one thinks. I live a busy life and I thrive on schedules because it keeps me from going insane. I don’t go home as often as I would like nor do I text my friends as much because I hope I see them in order to talk to them. I live my life in a way to continue working towards the next day. The day I found out, I had scheduled Buff Chats with my residents, putting each appointment in my calendar. I had plans that weekend to go on a double date with my friend. I was going to sit down and finish my debate cases that I had put off for so long. I was going to finish writing an essay on a concert I had attended the night before he passed.
My mom called me multiple times throughout that day, asking me how I was gonna get home and that we’re immediately going to Mexico. I started crying, saying, “I can’t go, I have too much going on.” I’m glad that I decided to go to Juarez. If I didn’t, I think that is something I would have regretted for the rest of my life. I stopped going to Mexico as often because it is such a long drive and my family can be a bit much for me. I really only went to see my aunt and my grandparents when I did go. I most cherished my grandpa, as he was the only grandpa I had left. College got to be a lot for me — I was busy doing things for my future that I couldn’t miss school for. I went to Juarez once a year during the long breaks college gave me. I made sure that I hugged him when I got there and hugged him when I left. He would always tell me, “echale ganas mija,” which loosely translates to, “give it your all.” This is why I don’t regret not seeing him more often, because I was doing exactly what he wanted me to do — echandole ganas.
Seeing my grandma for the first time when I arrived, I watched how she sobbed, telling everyone that her old man is gone and has left her. I wish I could describe her pain — it probably feels so unbearable. To know that the person she has woken up next to for the past 56 years, eaten breakfast with, had grandkids and even great grandchildren, is gone. My dad’s father is gone, my grandpa is gone. The wake was an eye-opener for all of us, seeing him lie there and not finding the smile he puts on when he sees all of the family together.
My last memory of him was when I finally visited Juarez after a year. My mom kept telling me that I needed to go because I never knew when was the last time I was going to see my grandparents. I have never wanted my mom to be more wrong. My grandpa was so happy to see all of us and got up and cut us some cactus fruit. I didn’t like it all that much, but I loved seeing him walk around and do such a genuine action for us. My parents and my aunt mentioned later that it was so weird seeing him do that and that he must have been really happy to see us.Â
Flying back from Mexico to Denver and a drive back to Boulder had me feeling frustrated. There was no way I was supposed to go back to my life and do the assignments I had asked extensions for. I went back and talked to everyone, joked about how the universe knew I would be too powerful if I had two grandpas on this Earth (my grandpa on my mom’s side has also passed away — I miss him a lot too). Even though I had just gotten back from a traumatic moment, I was also happy to be back and see all the people I love. After a night of joking around and using humor to cope with the fact he is no longer on this Earth, I cried into my boyfriend’s arms later that night. I kept telling my boyfriend details about what my grandpa looked like, how much I miss him, and how I can’t believe he’s really gone.Â
I got sick the day I came back and it felt like a sickness that would never go away. I felt so weak and didn’t feel like eating. I am thankful my boyfriend was there, feeding me a chicken pesto sandwich and doing nothing with me when I felt like doing nothing. I didn’t go to any of my club meetings that week. I felt bad and cried yet again that I should be doing more — just because my grandpa’s life stopped, doesn’t mean mine did. I had talked to my teachers that week; one professor said that he was sorry for my loss and that I could take the midterm on Wednesday. The other said she was sorry for my loss and told me I had until next Monday to submit my essay draft. The last professor I had asked for an extension never responded to my email, nor shared her condolences (not that I needed it) in class when she came up to me to try to memorize my name. I did end up completing that class’s assignments on time, but not very well.
Due to me just getting back into my regular rhythm of things, I forget I had prior commitments and even missed an interview. The day after I came back, I would forget simple things, like if I had locked my door or if I put deodorant on already or giving my phone to my boyfriend and then asking him if he had my phone because I thought I misplaced it. I don’t know how people do it and I don’t even know how I am doing it right now.Â
Dealing with grief in college is difficult. I miss my grandpa and remembering that the next time I go to Juarez, I will not see him. It pains me that he didn’t get to hear my parents say that I made it into law school, it pains me that my dad is in pain. He has lost a parent, someone that he loves. It’s not easy right now, but I know it will get easier and I am glad he gave me the memories he did, like the one time where he grabbed a tree branch and ripped one of the leaves for me so I can go back home and give it to my friend (she requested a leaf, for some reason). Dealing with grief meant I didn’t have the ability to stop what I was doing to rot in my bed — I had to organize my time to make sure I had the time to do nothing and still submit an assignment at 11:59pm.Â
I will miss the way he ate, his smile, his big ol stomach, the way he looked so much like my dad, how every time he took his vitamins, he would also give my grandma hers, his stiff hugs because he wasn’t used to receiving so much physical affection, and seeing him open the door for us to his home. I will miss my grandpa forever.