Grief is one of the most confusing, unexplainable, bizarre parts of being a human. When we are experiencing grief, it can be all consuming -– taking over every single second of our days and the only thing that we can focus on. Now, take this already complex experience and add in another confusing layer -– the person you are grieving wasn’t someone that you personally knew.
On October 16, 2024, I received some of the worst news of my fangirl life. Liam Payne, singer, songwriter, and former member of my favorite band, One Direction, had passed away. The moment is so vivid in my head. I was grocery shopping in the dairy aisle, trying to decide which cheese I wanted, when my friend called me and told me the news. At first, I didn’t believe her and quickly called my older sister so that she could check for me since my friend was in class and had to go. When my sister confirmed it, I lost it. In the middle of the grocery store. That day, my phone was flooded with messages from people -–- all from different eras of my life -–- asking me if I had heard the news because that was me, the One Direction girl.
Liam Payne’s death wasn’t the first celebrity death that affected me -–- Chadwick Boseman’s death in 2020 was very difficult as well -–- but since I had been a fan of Liam Payne since 2011, and I was in no way expecting any member of the band to pass away so young, I truly felt like a piece of me died alongside Payne. That night, I remember crying for hours, remembering all the fond memories I have thanks to Payne and feeling awful at the fact that the world treated him so poorly in his last months. After about a week, I was still incredibly distraught. This is when I got my first, “He didn’t even know you, why do you care so much?”
This is a question that I feel like a lot of fangirls get when it comes to the people that they are fans of. Personally, I believe that it comes from the lack of understanding of the deep connections that can be made between someone and their favorite piece of media — mine being One Direction. And while yes, Liam Payne never met me, he never knew of my existence, and his life would’ve been completely unaffected if it was me who had passed away, I don’t think that matters in the slightest when it comes to how his death affected me. Because I did know who Liam Payne was, I knew of his existence, and despite not knowing each other personally,his life greatly affected mine.
One Direction was a large part of my life during my formative years. They were my first form of escape when dealing with all the worst parts of growing up. To the ears of a preteen , their music guided me through feelings of not belonging, unworthiness, and the desire to change to better fit in. They didn’t know me but it felt like they knew me — they said the things that I longed so desperately to hear. And while at the time, I got bullied for it –– middle schoolers are the meanest people on the planet –– I’m glad that younger me got to experience that and I hold those memories very near and dear to my heart. This is where I think many people get lost because they’ve never had an experience like that. Whether that is because they were never bullied (lucky), because they’ve never experienced anxiety or any type of dysmorphia (also lucky), or if they find it difficult to really allow themselves to dive deeply into a piece of media. Either way, I do think that understanding the bond that someone can have with “someone they never met” is only achievable if you yourself have experienced it as well.
In the ten months since Liam Payne’s passing, I have found myself having to explain this far more times than I would want to, but I do think it is important. Grieving Payne has been very difficult for me — in fact I am still unable to listen to his solo music or look at videos of him. Recently, I watched the Netflix reality TV show Building the Band with my brother. This show was Payne’s last ever project and I didn’t think I would be able to watch it at all, especially not the parts that he was in as a judge. However, I’m quite happy that I did watch it because it showed Payne in a light that reminded me exactly why he was so important to me. He was kind, generous, happy, and just so happy to be able to be doing his dream job. Like I said earlier, Payne wasn’t in the best spot during his last few months. Maya Henry, Payne’s ex-girlfriend, had come forth with allegations of abuse at the hands of Payne and many people believed it to be embarrassing how Payne would often bring up One Direction, despite their breakup in 2015. So to me, I found it very endearing and helpful to see him shine in a good light for his last ever project, leaving his kind heart and his love for his fans as his legacy, with the final clip showing him singing and dancing to What Makes You Beautiful with the crowd.
Grieving as a fan is definitely weird.. It is a weird feeling to have and an even weirder feeling to try to explain, but overall, I think that it is something that shouldn’t be cast aside simply because you personally don’t understand it. Of course, boundaries are also very necessary while grieving someone that you didn’t know personally. I don’t condone crashing celebrity’s funerals or trying to contact their family/loved ones as if you are going through the exact same thing that they are going through. There is a very fine line between grieving them as a fan and being a weirdo that might need to go outside and touch some grass. With that being said, I hope that people can become more understanding of grieving as a fangirl, that just because a celebrity death would never hit you hard, you shouldn’t dismiss someone else’s experience. Grief is one of the hardest emotions for anyone to ever go through and if we were all kinder to those going through it, we could help ease the pain instead of making it worse.