All my life, I’ve been shown and told that girls are supposed to present themselves a certain way. All my dolls had pink dresses and long hair, while all my favorite Disney princesses were soft-spoken and had a man protecting their every step. We’re reminded that our main goals in life are to get married, have children, and nurture those around us. I’ve been told I should be more pleasant. That I should stop talking so much because girls “aren’t supposed to act like that.”
In over half of the baby pictures I have of myself, I’m wearing pink. Pictures of my younger brother have him in blue and green, donning shirts with dinosaurs and monster trucks — and somehow a combination of the two. Though my parents likely weren’t doing it intentionally, the gender norms we have in place as a patriarchal society determine that girls like pink and boys like blue. I perpetuated this because I didn’t have any reason to believe it mattered. Even though I was unaware of it, all these ideal traits of femininity were being pushed on me by everyone in my life.
Somewhere along the way, I swore off pink entirely. No dresses, no pretty shoes — I was trying to dip my toes in the idea of being a “tomboy” and I fell straight into the deep end. It wasn’t full-on by any means, but I remember people commenting on the fact that I never wore color. I remember my hair being long like my dolls’ and the princesses’, but with parents who had no idea how to even begin taking care of curly hair and an even more clueless younger me, I eventually resorted to wearing it in a low ponytail every single day between sixth grade and my freshman year of high school.
To say that made things worse is an understatement. I never felt like a girl. After years of tension damage, I cut my hair during my sophomore year of high school. And I cut my hair again. And again. I cut it and only stopped when it reached my ears and I was physically incapable of tying it back. I covered my body in the baggiest T-shirts I had. I wore simple rings and silver chains, things I believed would make me seem more masculine. I think I strayed from the norms of femininity because I thought it would make me care less about them, but in reality, all it did was make me envious of all my friends that actually looked like girls.
The presence of social media in my life at this time didn’t help either. I constantly saw girls I considered to be perfect, girls who looked nothing like me. I let myself fall so far into the abyss of my insecurities that I decided I wanted a change. Not to look a certain way, but to feel better about the way I presented myself and to finally not be ashamed of what I saw in the mirror.
I didn’t learn how to do makeup until I was 17 years old. I still don’t really know how to braid my own hair. I “went” to one high school dance, my senior year homecoming, where I hated the dress I bought and I got ready hours before I met up with my friends because I thought they might judge me for how bad I was at makeup. Instead of actually going to the dance, we took pictures where about 20 other groups were also taking pictures, got pho and, to finish the night, we went to Boondocks where I could change into the clothes I knew best: a baggy T-shirt and sweatpants.
I still wear the same things today because, at the end of the day, your clothes don’t make you feminine. Neither does your hair, your face, or anything else having to do with your appearance. Part of me still wishes I could have had those experiences — doing my makeup with my friends and braiding each other’s hair — but even if I didn’t, I’ve fought my own battle with femininity and won.
I’ve been growing out my hair ever since I cut it. I wear makeup, and I’ve revisited the fact of pink and purple being some of my favorite colors. Still, none of these things determine my femininity despite what society has to say. While I may be fulfilling a certain standard, I’ve transformed what those things mean to me. I like having my hair long because the feeling of the wind blowing through it is unbeatable. Mascara is my all-time favorite makeup product because I like how long I can make my eyelashes. I like pink and purple because of the way they complement the color of my hair.
Femininity is about self-definition. It’s about having the choice of how you want to present yourself, no matter if you like a certain color or whatever length your hair is. The idea of the “traditional woman” is heavily ingrained in our society and continues to hold power over us, but you get to determine what it means for you, not anyone else.