Trigger Warning: Discussion of eating disorders and food
It has been two weeks since Thanksgiving. I’ve been rethinking and replaying what made this past Thanksgiving so different compared to the ones for the past eight years. When I was little, Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday. I loved eating and spending time with my family. I went back for seconds, then thirds, and sometimes even fourths without feeling any guilt, shame, or judgement. Relatives used to marvel at how much food my tiny body could handle. I felt pride. As I got older, this pride about my love of food shifted to deep shame.
I began having negative thoughts about my body when I was 11 years old. From that point on, I fought constantly with food, how much I hated that I loved it. I battled with disordered eating thoughts and behaviors from the age of 11 until I was 18 (I just turned 19). Even last year, when I was completely weight restored and had made immense progress on combating both my eating disorder thoughts and behaviors, Thanksgiving was still incredibly triggering and difficult for me. I remember pacing myself and trying my best to listen to my body throughout the day, but I still ended up binging that night and feeling horrible about myself.
Eating disorders aren’t linear, and recovery means something different for each individual. Though I have been “mostly recovered” since I was 16, I didn’t feel fully recovered until this past summer. Even after being fully recovered, I still have days where the voice of the eating disorder is louder, and I have moments where I slip up both with undereating and overeating. The difference now is that these thoughts no longer control me or prevent me from living my life to the fullest.
This most recent Thanksgiving, I didn’t feel any anxiety about food. A year or two ago, I didn’t believe this was even possible. I spent the day laughing and having fun with my family and I savored all of the delicious food I got to enjoy. My favorite dishes are always creamy mashed potatoes and cherry pie. I didn’t restrict, I didn’t binge, and it felt incredible. I can’t be certain that Thanksgiving will never again be triggering for me, but I now can feel comforted in the fact that enjoying food and holidays surrounded by food is possible for me again. My eating disorder will never win again.
Call or text the National Eating Disorder Helpline: (800) 931-2237