Heading into college, it recently struck me how unprepared and ignorant I was. Sure, I knew how to do laundry and study but I was socially unaware of many things going on around me. I came from a small town and was an only child raised by strict parents. As a current junior at the University of Colorado, its taken some courage to share my story from freshman year, but I hope others can learn from my mistakes.
Always listen to your intuition
One of the first “friends” I made was a guy in my dorm who lived on the floor before me. In the first couple weeks, something always seemed off about him, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. He seemed cooler and slightly less socially awkward than myself. I had a long-term boyfriend at the time, who I was really into, and ignored my newly found “friend’s” insistence that I was going to cheat on him. I passed these remarks off as being playful in nature, when in reality they hinted at darker intentions. I ignored my intuition and assumed I was just being paranoid. This was my first mistake.
Step out of your comfort zone, but bring backup.
About three weeks into the school year, I was having an extraordinarily hard day when he invited me on a late night hiking trip to the flat irons of Boulder to go see the city lights. It was a beautiful night and I agreed, excited to do something my parents would consider risky, thrilled for an opportunity to have new experiences. As we we were preparing to leave, two others who happened to overhear the conversation and quickly jumped in, wanting to come along. Excited to make new friends, I didn’t hesitate to invite them too. I’ll never forget the angry and annoyed look on his face, yet another red flag I chose to ignore. To this day I’m still thankful for these newcomers who decided to join us last second. Things probably would have turned out differently if they had decided not to come along.
Friends can come from anywhere
Nothing of much interest happened on the hike, except my first exposure to weed, which I still choose not to smoke because of severe asthma. It didn’t actually mind the smell though, which caught me by surprise. Though my strict upbringing, I was brainwashed to think that weed was the devil’s work and would ruin your entire life with one puff. Now, I’m pretty indifferent about it.
After the hike a few people decided to take an Uber back to our dorms, but it was a beautiful morning and I decided to walk. Dante, one of the kids who decided to join the hiking group last second, accompanied me. I’ll never forget the conversation we had. Dante spent almost the entire walk talking about his one-eyed cat Nugget and we bonded over out mutual love of furry friends.
Consent isn’t always black and white
Though I didn’t know it at the time, this is where my story gets a little darker. After returning from the hike, we all decided now that the sun was up, there really wasn’t much point in going back to bed. I decided that I wanted to continue being social and joined my “friend” on the floor below me only to find that one of the girls who joined us on the hike was sitting on the couch below his bed. Without thinking, I sat, plopping myself down right in-between them. This was the evening when I learned the true definition of “cock-clocking.” The funny part, is that I had no idea what was happening. Oblivious, I joined what I figured was a chill hang-out while we watched Charlie’s Angles. I left about an hour later, not liking the girl very much. She seemed standoffish, it wasn’t until later I realized why. Ironically, she turned out to be a good friend and we still talk this day.
After that night, I didn’t really spend any more time with my friend downstairs, but quickly bonded with the new friends who had joined us on the hike. As we grew closer, I discovered more nuances about the night we met. Not only had she and the guy downstairs been sleeping together, but he had been sexually assaulting her and bullying her into other sexual acts. Much like myself, she didn’t fully understand the whole concept of consent. It could have easily been me in her shoes.
Coming from a background where sex was rarely talked about, consent was an uncomfortable subject. On the playground as a child, I was told that boys pushed me and bullied me because” they liked me.” I remember leaning about the concept of rape. I was about 14 and watching The Kite Runner with my parents. Confused and uncomfortable, I brought up the conversation and remember my dad briefly mentioning the concept and my mom going “Don’t let anyone do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.” That was it. That was my entire education on consent up until I came to college.
Trust your female friends.
The best sex and love advice I can give to any college student is to educate themselves on all matters, not just academics. Don’t be afraid to bring up material with close and trusted friends that makes you a little bit uncomfortable. I can almost guarantee that your friends probably have similar concerns. Discussing uncomfortable topics with your friends not only helps you bond, it helps to end a culture that shames women for discussing topics on health and sexuality. Also, talking with friends can help give you a new perspective on a problem and help remind you that you’re not alone in whatever you may be going through.
If you ever have questions about the concept of true consent, sexual health, or healthy relationships, here are a few resources for reference that can help outline facts and educate you about options.