The experience of growing up feeling “not brown enough” and “not white enough” is one of confusion, frustration and curiosity. I was surrounded by Mexican music I couldn’t understand and sat as a passive listener to my grandma’s gossip conversations with her sisters in the kitchen.
I am half-Mexican and half-white, my mom being the Hispanic one. I grew up with my Spanish-speaking grandma in the house, she spoke English but it wasn’t her first language. I would hang out with her in the kitchen as she tidied up and played Mexican music from our radio which helped my brain familiarize itself with the language. We would often play La Loteria with my cousin, who is also mixed race. This simultaneously helped me feel connected but also distant from my culture and heritage.
The older I grew, the more I found myself distant from Mexican culture. This brings on a feeling of awkwardness with not being able to fully relate to my brown peers while also not being able to relate to my white peers. Growing up mixed meant that I was permanently on a sea-saw of identity. It felt as though I was an outsider to my own family and race which was often frustrating. The most blaring part was being unable to speak Spanish. Language is what connects us but it can also be the biggest barrier to that connection. I’ve made it my goal to break through that barrier.
During high school I was in a predominantly white area with very few people of color, let alone other Hispanics. Not being around other kids who were Hispanic or mixed made it more challenging to learn and take part in Mexican culture. When I would befriend people one of their first questions would range from, “Can you speak Spanish?” to “So you like spicy food, right?” Although I responded lightheartedly, almost always mocking myself for answering no to both questions, it would flick at my psyche. It felt as though I was lying because I didn’t have the typical experience of someone who was fully Mexican and grew up surrounded by the culture.
Today I find myself connecting to my Mexican roots in my own way. Music has always been a huge part of my life and it’s my way of expressing myself. I try to listen to Mexican music that I would hear growing up, although it can be hard to find the songs because of the language barrier. One notable song is ”Rinconcito En El Cielo” by Ramon Ayala Y Sus Bravos Del Norte. A more recent artist that came to my attention because of the Super Bowl LX is Bad Bunny.
The Super Bowl LX was a great motivator to connect more with my Mexican heritage. After his performance my social media timelines were flooded with other “no sabo kids” expressing their happiness and newly inspired desire to reconnect, or connect in general, to their Latino roots. Seeing other people experiencing the same euphoric feeling healed something inside of me and gave me a sense of comfort in knowing that other people shared my experiences. His music and presence doesn’t feel ostracizing or “gatekept” from those who aren’t fully connected with their Latino heritage.
My hair has always been the one thing that fully connected me to my heritage. My thick dark curls are something that I had to learn to love. During high school I constantly had it straightened and blown out in order to tame it and to look like my white peers. It was only after high school that I learned to love my curls and see them as part of myself. Embracing my natural hair was a huge step into also embracing my Mexican heritage, since hair is a big part of culture. For a moment I tried to replicate traditional Mexican hairstyles such as ribbon braids, albeit very poorly. The act itself was healing and gave me confidence to not only learn more about Mexican traditions I have never been a part of but participate in them as well.
Connecting to a culture I was never fully exposed to is a bit challenging but the feeling during and after are more than worth it. The small steps of embracing my curls and listening to music in Spanish slowly connect me more to my Mexican background. My next big step is to fully learn Spanish and be able to hold a conversation with others.