For my entire life, I have always become obsessed with movies once I know what’s going to happen. Even as a little kid, the only movie I would watch was “Winnie the Pooh”—my mom always says that I wore out three VHS tapes from watching it nonstop. I guess the reason why I keep watching this movie—the one with everything that happened during my first semester at Conn—over and over again is because I feel comfort in knowing every plot twist even before I press “play.” The more I watch it, the more desensitized to it I become. At least I that’s what I think is happening. I wish I could play a different one, one that’s happier. I wish it could be of my life now, now that I’m finally starting to get better.
Even though I’ll never forget, I’m finally starting to move on.
Now that I’m halfway through my second semester at Conn, I have been thinking about my first semester a lot and how much my life has changed. I’m finally starting to relearn what it’s like to be genuinely happy. I’ve made so many new friends, and I’ve even started dating again. I now live in a single in the Plex, while last semester I lived in a double in central campus. I spend way less time in my dorm now than I did last semester. I no longer lay in bed for hours on end—I go to the library, hang out with friends, and participate in clubs on campus. I actually like the classes I’m taking this semester, and I’m starting to get really excited about the future.
Even though I’m doing significantly better than I was last semester, I still have difficult days. Last semester was pretty traumatizing, and I still have a lot that I need to work through before I’m completely healed. But now, there are definitely more days that I am happy and hopeful. This experience has showed me exactly how strong I am. Despite everything that’s happened since I came to Conn, I still manage to smile and laugh and see the beauty in the world. I know that living with a mental illness will always make things more difficult for me, but that doesn’t mean that I should give up. My goal is no longer to achieve perfection, but progress. I’m going to keep going, keep trying, and, most importantly, keep breathing.