Winning the One Night Stand

There are some serious politics involved in the graceful navigation of a one-night stand, and it’s easy to make some missteps, especially if you don’t even know that it’s possible to lose. But don’t worry- I’m here to guide you. So I’ve laid out a scenario to help you understand how to have a breezy casual sex experience:

 

Approach your one-night stand as you would an appointment. Let’s say you realize you need a haircut. It’s been a long time since you had a haircut, and all of your friends are concerned because you’ve really been slacking in the getting your hair cut department. So one day you decide you’re just going to do it. You go to the bar – I mean salon – and a nice lady cuts your hair for you. Then what? You say thank you and leave the salon, because your business there is done. You will return to the salon only when the need for a haircut arises again. Here are some things you don’t do at the salon:

 

1. Cry. Your hairstylist does not care about your ex, your mother, the class you are failing, or the fight you just had with your best friend. Your hairstylist cares only about your hair, and the longer you spend complaining or crying about other aspects of your life, the less likely you are to ever be able to get a haircut again, because your stylist will tell all the other stylists in the area that you are insane and to stay away from you.

 

2. Puke. We do not puke on our hairstylists. They are innocent and do not deserve this misery when all they’re trying do is cut some hair. So if you’re sick, stay home, or if you are incapable of getting yourself home on your own for some inexplicable reason, have a friend take you there. Reschedule your appointment to get your haircut. Everyone will be happier.

 

3. Linger. As stated earlier, when the haircut is over, you go home. I’m going to break out of the metaphor for a quick second to say that the entire night, including the sleeping portion, is also a part of the one-night stand. Don’t bail at 3 a.m. If you liked the person enough to have sex with them, you can suck it up and lie next to them unconscious for four hours. That being said, your hairstylist has other stuff they have to do. Maybe your hairstylist has some homework or wants to call his or her therapist. Let him or her do those things.

 

4. Be cheap. Your hairstylist is doing a service for you. Services are expected to be returned with favors of equal value. You wouldn’t leave the salon after getting a haircut without paying your hairstylist, because that’s not how the world works. (To make things clearer: everyone involved in the one-night stand should leave satisfied. Please don’t give your hookup money.)

 

5. Get too comfortable. You are a guest at the salon. Even if your hairstylist is making a house call, you are a guest in his or her life. You haven’t spent much time with this hairstylist before, so you don’t want to make him or her uneasy by trying to be too close too fast. Your hairstylist may not be comfortable trying out that crazy new hairstyle that you saw in a movie one time. If you are in a stable relationship with a hairstylist that you’ve known for years, then you two can take that risk together, but until then, I’d play it by the book. 

 

Follow these 5 easy steps and I think it’s safe to say that you’ll walk out of your next one-night stand a total winner. And always remember to be safe, who knows where your hairstylist has been. Here is a taste of what’s been submitted via the anonymous survey so far. I really appreciate all of the absolute sincerity and candor. Thank you for trusting me with these beautiful confessions. Some have been shortened due to length constraints. Keep sending them in! https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/7HCYFZD

 

“I have two distinct fetishes. The first is food. Something about how it is intended to be consumed, taken into your mouth and made to become a part of you is something I find incredibly sensual. Everything from bananas to beef loin turns me on. The second is a little more common. I am into the whole “daddy” ish older men scene. I absolutely love the idea (and experience) of being with a man twice my age or even older. If he has kids, even better. It adds to the persona. One day I got tired of the usual “casual encounters” crowd and decided to try something a little edgier. I bought a great big beef loin (the thing must have weiged 3 pounds!) cooked it up, and posted a picture of it in the frees offering “free fresh young loin”. One of my responders who we will call “tommy” was everything I looked for in a man. He was middle aged, two kids, and once I started giving him the hints that I was looking to give out a little more than just a free meal, and a little temptation, he became just as enthusiastic as I about my ideas for a meaty pairing. So, we met. I’m pretty small (5 ft!) so when he laid the loin down in top of me I got to feel the weight of the pleasant wet hot meat on me from chin to my own loins. Afterwards, we shared the best part of the steak, and I let Tommy take the leftovers home to his family.” 

 

“Ever since I was a teenager I have had very intense fantasies about having sex with a giant roach. It started in 9th or 10th grade when we read The Metamorphisis by Franz Kafka. As I started to think more and more about the roach creature that the character had become, I started to imagine what it would be like if a woman turned into the roach instead. I found this idea very arousing. I would not be repulsed or frightened of her, as the characters in the story are. I would take care of her. Then my thoughts started to get sexual with the character. Eventually I sort of dropped the bit about her having been a human woman first, and I kind of imagined this fictionalized roach species. They are giant roaches, the size of a person, and have complete intelligence. I kind of over time conjured up an “imaginary friend” of sorts. She was one of these roaches and her name was Ogtha. I would fantasize about her often. Whenever I masturbated I’d be imagining elaborate scenarios of me and Ogtha making love. When I started to have actual sex, I found I could not, uh…perform, if I wasn’t thinking of Ogtha. So basically now, anytime I have sex with a woman, I am pretending that she is actually Ogtha. Not just think about Ogtha, I concentrate intently to visualize that I actually am doing Ogtha. I don’t want to think about the girl at all. There is only Ogtha. Of course this sex can never be as exciting as my fully imaginary sessions with Ogtha, there are things that her multiple appendages and antennae allow for that a human woman can never match.”