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Where is he?

“You’ll find a guy* in college.” That’s what my mom told me. My grandma told me. The woman who shapes my eyebrows told me. I’m not the only one to have constantly heard this while dealing with childish high school boys; that’s what so many girls are told in order to give them hope for something better than a crush who messes with their emotions. Thus, I think it’s only natural then to arrive at college and wonder, “Where is he?”

No one is oblivious to the fact that hookup culture dominates college campuses, but that doesn’t mean a small glimpse of hope doesn’t exist within us all waiting for someone special to come along. We hope that maybe this person will be in our class, or maybe at that club meeting, or maybe even at that party, or very much even on Tinder. Yes, it might be my first semester as well as my friends’ first semester, but frustration can still prevail within us.

The concepts of having a guy text back or even show an interest in us can become laughable. We’ve all done it; holding on to the wrong person or romanticizing someone to be something he is not. We excuse certain behaviors because we have such low expectations for men. On a walk the other day, one of my friends brought up this question: why is it so hard to connect with someone? Well, if it was so easy to just connect with anyone, finding that special person wouldn’t be a phenomenal concept. We allow our minds to focus our attention on people who do not deserve to even be in our thoughts. We devote so much wasted time to thinking about someone who dedicates no time to thinking about us.

Instead of lying in bed daydreaming about implausible scenarios or swiping on an app, go to the gym, go out for lunch with friends, go to the library and study hard. Forgetting about our feelings for someone or feelings of loneliness is much more difficult than I make it out to be. I, too, have struggled in the past with obsessing over finding someone or romanticizing someone who deserves zero amount of my time and energy. Of course, there are crushes and relationships we must grieve; not dealing with one’s emotions is beyond unhealthy. My advice to you, though, is have a good cry and talk out whatever you are feeling; however, you have to push through those feelings and continue to create an amazing life for yourself. Little changes can help kickstart a new lifestyle. Create a plan for your day where you’re not alone in your room with your thoughts or have the time to be swiping on an app. Surround yourself with people who lift you up and want to help you get to a better place physically and emotionally.

Also, do not waste your time with someone who treats you poorly and does not care for you like you do for him. Do not mold someone to be a placeholder who causes you so much stress, anxiety, and pain until the right one comes along. That is lost precious time that could be spent working on yourself rather than tearing you down emotionally. You don’t need someone just to have someone. If he never thinks about you, he is irrelevant, and why spend your time with someone who sees you as insignificant, when there are others who would spend time with you, love and care for you. As hard as waiting can be, one day, a special person will come into your life. Just focus on yourself till then, so you can be the best version of yourself when that time comes.


*The author recognizes that this is only a heterosexual perspective on this issue, and also understands that there are other perspectives to this topic.

Rachel Beinus

Columbia Barnard '21

Rachel is a current junior at Barnard College studying history, as well as the Campus Correspondent for Her Campus Columbia Barnard. Not only does she enjoy writing, but she also loves Myers-Briggs personality types, fashion, and chocolate. 
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