Let’s explore the perplexing situation of passing a friend on the sidewalk in the midst of student chaos while heading to a class and not knowing how to respond when your friend says “Hey, what’s up?” If you are one of these people who regularly greet friends with a “What’s up?” on a crowded sidewalk as opposed to a simple “Hello” or a less cordial “Yo man,” I would like you to know that you make my life very awkward and uncomfortable.
There are a number of ways to handle the situation if you find yourself caught in its deathtrap, but I have yet to find a method that does not trigger extreme discomfort and embarrassment on both parties (and innocent bystanders) involved. One option is to simply ignore the “What’s up?” and respond with a “Hi” in return, then continue walking. This option makes sense because chances are the person wasn’t really asking you “What’s up?” and was simply substituting “hey” with “what’s up” sans question mark. Of course, this option brings about an enormous problem when the wonderful individual who so considerately asked “What’s up?” actually expected you to respond within the five seconds he or she remained in your hearing range before being swept up in the chaos of the sidewalk and forced to continue walking. So now you feel like a jerk for brushing off the person’s interest in your life’s current state, and you feel pretty lame for your lackluster response.
The next option is to attempt to answer the question of “What’s up?” within those five seconds of verbal contact with the person before being forced to break away and follow the flood of eager students (this is Barnard/Columbia after all) heading to class. So, not only do you have to think of a sharp response very quickly, but you also have to fit your response into an extremely limiting time frame. This often instigates a very loud and run-on reply that sounds something like “OHNOTHINGMUCHJUSTHEADINGTOCLASSOMGI’MSOTIREDTHOUGH!” Also, if you continue walking while generating this response, you might be halfway through your reply when you physically pass the person you’re responding to, and end up yelling the rest of the sentence over your shoulder. So now the entire sidewalk knows (and doesn’t care) that you just had biology class and are now heading to a chemistry lab or, more likely (at least in my experience), that you just took a nap and are now heading to the Diana Center for delicious thin-crust pizza.
A third option, which I tend to fall back on, is to get overly nervous and uncomfortable and mumble a response that sounds something like “hiumnothinglolz” and quickly continue on your way in an effort to avoid the humiliation of seeing the person’s puzzled facial reaction. This might be the most awkward of all possible ways to handle the situation, which naturally explains why I end up using it almost every time. So I really don’t know how to handle the situation correctly, but I do know that the world would be a much less awkward place if people stuck to a simpler greeting, such as a “Hi,” or even a mere nod, when passing friends on a crowded street. This would prevent the use of all three humiliating options I have just outlined on dealing with the situation, and it would prevent the victim (and everyone else on the sidewalk if the victim choose the second option) from walking away thinking: That was awkward.