I consider myself to be a Halloween enthusiast. I put together an elaborate costume every year, decorate my house with pumpkins and other spooky decor, and eat massive amounts of candy. These qualifications, I believe, make me the best person to accurately rank your typical Halloween candy in the form of a tier list.
For those unfamiliar, tier lists generally rank characters, TV shows, video games, and in this case, candy, in a list from S to F, S being the highest here (just go with it). If you disagree with me on any of my selections, which I’m sure at least someone will, please feel free to send me a strongly worded email. I know what I am getting into with this one. I also won’t be able to address every piece of candy because that is just not possible. With all of that out of the way, let’s begin with the worst of the worst: the F tier.
LOW TIER (F to E tier): Goes straight to the trash
Mints
OK, mints are NOT Halloween candy. Mints are good if you’re walking out of a restaurant and your breath kind of stinks and you reach into the bowl for a nice post-dinner mint, but if they ended up in my candy bag as a kid I was filled with utter shock and disappointment. Save the mints for Christmas, at least.
Hot Tamales
The people who like spicy things are about to be mad at me for this one but Hot Tamales are not, like, a joyous experience, right? Even if you enjoy spicy foods or you like spice because it adds flavor, adding sugar to spice just makes no sense. Eating hot tamales is a painful experience, not a fun one.
Almond Joys
I know some people actually like Almond Joys but this is a bizarre concept to me. As a kid, I always saw Almond Joys as the candy of adults, and as a slightly older kid, I still see them as such. Almond Joys are for office parties and, I don’t know, functions? NOT for Halloween. Straight in the trash.
Twizzlers
Yup, I said it. Twizzlers suck. They are too rope-y and they taste like plastic. They lack the mature flavor and intricate texture of Red Vines. Personally, they make me extremely angry. That’s all I have to say on this subject.
MID TIER (D to B tier): I’ll probably eat them
Candy Corn
I realize that mid-tier is the most controversial place I could put candy corn, but I could think of nowhere else for it. Candy corn is… good. And I think that’s all I have to say on it. I think, however, that it must be enjoyed in moderation. Eating too much candy corn can result in a negative experience, but a small handful or so is the perfect amount to enjoy.
Dum-Dums
My gripe with Dum-Dums is less about the flavor of the candy and rather its presentation. I think there is just not enough of the Dum-Dum there to enjoy. I can just bite it off the stick and then what else is there? Dum-Dums are good, no doubt, but the lollipop does nothing but tease us with how good it is, only to be eaten entirely before we even have time to savor it.
Kisses, M&M’s, and Hershey Bars
All three of these candies are just chocolate. Now don’t get me wrong, I am a big chocolate fan, but chocolate shines best when it has something to accompany it: caramel, peanuts, nougat, what have you. These candies offer me nothing I haven’t seen before. I wouldn’t turn them down by any means, but I am unimpressed nonetheless.
Milk Duds
Eating Milk Duds is a process. Maybe I’m just out of shape, but it honestly feels like a workout in and of itself eating a single Milk Dud. I am burning the calories in the Milk Dud just by eating the Milk Dud. I love the caramel and chocolate flavor, I think it’s a good balance of both, but the difficulty it takes to eat these things puts them solidly at mid-tier.
HIGH TIER (A to S tier): Eating these immediately
Peanut M&M’s
What can I say about Peanut M&M’s that hasn’t been said already? They are a brilliant invention and seeing that yellow bag brings me a sense of joy I can’t find the words to describe. They’re fun to eat, taste delicious, and the small packs you generally get on Halloween are just the right amount to enjoy.
Cookies and Cream Hershey Bars
These are a bit of a niche Halloween candy but they deserve their time in the spotlight. The cream in these bars is so light and milky that it almost feels healthy. The occasional crunch of the cookie crumbs is delightful and delicious. I could write an entire article about this culinary invention, but alas, I must move on.
Dark Chocolate Kit-Kats
Okay, this is another rarity but the sparseness of this candy makes it all the better. If you’ve never had a dark chocolate Kit-Kat, you’re in for a treat. The dark chocolate gives a much more dimensional flavor to the Kit-Kat, makes the experience a more mature and flavorful one, and is just really good. Take my word for it.
S+ TIER: The best of the best
Here it is. The moment you’ve been waiting for. What is my favorite Halloween candy? The answer is 3 Musketeers. 3 Musketeers shines in its simplicity. Nougat and chocolate, that’s all it is. But somehow this combination has the power to enchant my tastebuds. 3 Musketeers is not showing off. It’s not trying to be something it’s not. It simply is, and I think that’s beautiful.
Well, there you have it. By no means is this an exhaustive list, but these are some strong opinions I have. Again, feel free to let me know how wrong you think I am, but I know it won’t change my mind.