My Thanksgiving feast always gets me way too full, so I have to maximize the quality of food I’m eating before I can’t eat anymore. This is my tier list of Thanksgiving food and the order in which I will prioritize my eating this year. You might rank these foods differently, but just know this is the correct list, and the one you should follow this Thanksgiving and for all future ones.
S Tier: Mashed potatoes
Boxed mashed potatoes, scratch mashed potatoes, hell, even microwave mashed potatoes always rock my world like an earthquake. I have never found anything I love as much as mashed potatoes. You will not find me putting gravy on them, which would, of course, taint their sanctity and purity. I like to keep mashed potatoes in their purest, buttery, salty form. Absolutely no Thanksgiving meal is complete without a massive helping of mashed potatoes that will definitely put you in a food coma.
A Tier: Pumpkin pie
Pumpkin pie is the most aesthetically pleasing part of the meal, the part of the meal you’ll need to take a pic of to post on your Snap story. You can mix it up with the spices you put in, you can make a beautiful crust, or you can keep it simple. It always ends up being the perfect end to the fall season.
B Tier: Turkey
If you’re vegetarian or vegan or otherwise can’t eat meat, sorry! Skip this one.
I love my protein, and with turkey’s 8 grams of protein/ounce, I really love it. You can deep-fry turkey, you can cook it with a beer can, you can make it pumpkin spice, you can do whatever you want to it. It’s typically pretty dry and always ends up tasting like just turkey, but I’m not complaining.
C Tier: Peas
Yeah, the peas get a pass. Listen, I’m not just here to complain. Peas are fine, a staple of Thanksgiving, but they don’t taste like anything. They’re a good source of fiber and plant protein apparently, so hey, enjoy them. Put a little salt on them and they’re just fine.
D Tier: Turkey stuffing
Turkey stuffing is literally glorified bread with some onions in it. It soaks up the much-needed juice from your delicious turkey dinner. Stuffing ends up being soggy bread with chunks of onion and celery that just dissolve in your mouth. The seasoning is typically good, which is probably stuffing’s only feature saving it from F tier. Watch your back, turkey stuffing — you’re skating on thin ice.
F Tier: Cranberry sauce
Cranberries have the word “berries” in them, but somehow they’re disgusting. Cranberry sauce goes all the way in F tier because it tricks you, draws you in with “berry,” and then proceeds to taste bitter and sour and not good at all. Why is this called a “sauce” if it’s some weird kind of Jell-O consistency served in a random unlabelled can that you found in the back of your pantry from last year? Actually, 46% of Americans agree with me, stating that canned cranberry sauce is “disgusting.” So maybe we can make a change this Thanksgiving and take it off the table for once.
I hope this list helps you decide where to prioritize what you put on your plate before falling into your food coma. Please make responsible, safe choices this Thanksgiving. TL;DR: Stay safe, don’t eat the cranberries, and do eat the rich.