I RELIGIOUSLY binge-watched Sex and The City before going to school in NYC. I remember being a 16-year-old day dreamer, imagining an inner monologue of endless “smash or pass” games I would play while walking around campus.. Would the men be powerful and mysterious, like Mr. Big, caring and love-able, like Aidan, or goofy and charming, like Steve? Little did I know the answer would be:
NONE OF THE ABOVE! NONE!!!! N O N E!!!!!!!!!
Between the freaked-out athletes and insufferable performatives, your girl is disappointed and TIRED. However, let’s not generalize; some male archetypes at Columbia are better than others. So, through channeling my sex-pertise + heart-broken teenage dream, I’ve created a ranking of EVERY MAN ON CAMPUS. Beginning from the bottom of the lion den, we have:
The Freakbob:
Every girl has experienced the ick you get from a “fwb?” or “you send?” text. The notorious freaky DM has existed since the beginning of time. God sending the Angel to Mary to tell her she was preggo was basically a biblical version of “dtf?”
Unfortunately, as Columbia men have proven, freaks age like blue cheese. (Gross. Sorry, savoury girls.) “fwb?” has evolved into prolonged, unnecessary talking stage, where the girl pours her heart, dignity, and innocence into a guy searching for one thing:
SEX!
Don’t get me wrong, everybody wants sex. Especially as newly-independent college students, it can be hard to think about anything else! However, some men are better at hiding it than others (the respectful ones do, btw). If you’re unsure if you’re talking to a Freakbob, look for these signs:
– Makes sly comments in normal conversation, such as (but not limited to): “I wonder how you would look bent over this..”, “You look so hot doing [insert normal task]”, “No seats available on the subway? Sit here instead… *manspreads*.”
-Suggests his place (or even worse, YOURS) as a first date. (If you’re not skeeved out yet, go, but DON’T SIT ON HIS BED.)
-Overly touchy
-Hasn’t had a “serious” girlfriend since he was 16.Â
If you recognize any of these news, I hate to break the news to you… However, freakbobs are only slightly worse than our next archetype:
The Milstein Warrior:
Although similar to the performative male, a Milstein warrior, is distinctively a way more insufferable version. While the performative male praises Michelle Obama’s Becoming, a Milstein warrior annotates the book with his opinion, rewriting its meaning to fit the agenda he learned from the Barnard English class he took his sophomore year.Â
Luckily, these guys are way easier to spot. Prior to interacting with a potential Milstein warrior, look for these telltale signs:
-The Classics: matcha, philosophy/poetry book, carabiner, Pinterest “indie” style
-Pornstache+mullet combo.
-Overly accessorized (think: rings on each finger, set of bracelets, 2+ necklaces on)
Now, if you decide to proceed with caution (cuz lowkey, their style gets me too sometimes), immediately ABORT if:
-They overly explain their political conspiracy theories
-Their ex somehow enters the conversation in any form
-Their favorite study spot is Milstein (it’s in the NAME girls!)
-They know what the Brooks study room is
If you STILL decide to keep it going, you’ll also notice that underneath the feminist layer, they are simply Freakbobs too. (Just…trust me.)Â
And, if you are a guy reading this (why?), and you’re in denial that you fit into a category, you probably are a Milstein Warrior too.Â
The Dick-tator:
The Dick-tator is probably the most common archetype on Columbia’s campus. Their dads are either corporate lawyers, surgeons, or CEOs, and their moms are trophy wives (the best moms you’ll meet btw). These guys are the best at belittling, objectifying, and asserting dominance over girls with ZERO shame. And unfortunately, since sexism has been engraved into American society since its formation, nobody ever told these guys to stop. Therefore, they keep asserting their control over their victims (you, if you don’t listen) and comparing everyone to their idea of what the “perfect female” is, hence the name: the Dick-tator. Here are some common warning signs you’re entering fascist territory:
-They respond to your points in class discussions with “Well, actually…” WHO ORDERED THE NERD PATROL??
-Their dream job is “politician”
-They carry their laptop everywhere with them
-Gold Amex card (use it while you can babe)
-First date is $100+, the next is their apartment in the city
If you haven’t deciphered it by now…all roads lead back to Freakbob.
Now, I could keep this list going on forever, but I feel like you guys get the point by now. Men suck, don’t get attached, avoid, blah blah blah….
Despite it all, it is so so so important to remember that love still exists out there! I am a firm believer in everyone finding their match. Mine is this guy I joined a club for because he was in it, even though he doesn’t know it yet. (Gabe, If you are reading this, I am waiting.) So, if you’re feeling hopeless from deleting your roster after reading this, stay strong. Focus on yourself. Practice self-love. We attract the love we think we deserve. And you, baby, deserve the world, not Mr. Big.
Or, you can just download Hinge.