Though I really enjoy Valentine’s Day as an excuse to bake cookies and a reminder to show appreciation for the people in my life, I’m less fond of its relentless commercialization of relationships through toxic tropes about love.
Gen-Z has had “consent” and “boundaries” drilled into our heads, but our discussions seldom approach actually being in healthy relationships. Instead, we receive education on the emotional tribulations of first loves, soulmates, and tough endings through the media we consume. While codependency or grandiose gestures make for fascinating entertainment, I worry about I can never live without you becoming the pinnacle of love, and quite frankly, the “love” we elevate on Valentine’s Day.
Like most things in my life, working as a camp counselor for thirteen-year-old girls last summer brought this perspective into further focus. Twilight was our tent’s fandom of choice. I, too, devoured the series as a middle schooler — vampires and high-stakes romance is a singular right of passage — so I understood the appeal for my campers. I didn’t want to rob my kids of this cultural touchstone, but I cringed thinking about Twilight’s overarching romantic lesson: true and compelling love is actually just obsession.
I found subtle ways to remind my campers of Twilight’s iffy messaging, but I could only do so much. Even now, as an adult with strong convictions about independence, I consume plenty of content that elevates unrealistic portrayals of love or romanticizes toxic relationships. I prefer to be challenged and acknowledge art in its full complexity, so I won’t just stop listening to Born to Die or watching Gilmore Girls reruns. But I’m always looking to improve my media diet. So the question becomes, what’s a great Valentine’s Day movie if you — like me — love relationship storylines but wish rom-coms didn’t oversimplify love into the universal panacea for all internal conflicts and flaws?
Enter The Big Sick.
The Big Sick doesn’t have its head in the clouds when it comes to the complexity of relationships, especially when they cross cultural borders. It’s based on the true story of Kumail Nanjiani and Emily V. Gordon: Pakistani boy/aspiring comedian meets American girl. They fall in love, but break up due to familial expectations that Kumail will succumb to the arranged marriage he adamantly opposes. Emily falls into a coma and her friends call Kumail to join her side. Enter anxious American parents, some divinely awkward comedy bits, and high-quality hospital drama. I promise this story won’t disappoint.
The Big Sick’s subversion of the typical rom-com arc is incredibly refreshing. Neither lead is diluted into a vacuous object onto whom their opposite can unleash romantic aspirations. Rather, whether the two will end up together is an open question throughout the film. Because Emily and Kumail have been developed into compelling individuals, the storyline doesn’t rely on their union for either character to feel complete or interesting. Though you’re rooting for their relationship to work out, you trust they’ll go on to lead fulfilling lives if it doesn’t.
For so long, I imbibed the notion that relationships complete people; that obsession or losing oneself in a partner was the most profound expression of love. Holidays like Valentine’s Day are financed on this notion. Through art that defies the stereotypical script, I’ve been challenged positively to reframe my expectations and the attitude with which I approach this holiday.
The Big Sick keeps the stakes high where it counts and indulges in plenty of kismet, but fully leaves behind the pseudo-romantic fluff. I can’t stop gushing about this movie and I hope that, if you’re looking for a great Valentine’s watch, you’ll give it a try.