I hate my roommate. I know hate is a strong word, but I really hate them. Every day I wake up hoping that they will move out. It’s clear none of my suitemates like them either, so I don’t understand why they just won’t take the hint. They are most definitely not welcome here.
This might sound a bit harsh, I understand, but you just don’t know them like we do.
Their schedule is so odd. They will wake up extremely early, I’m talking 4am here, making noise and disturbing everyone. But they also won’t come back until around midnight. Where are they? What are they up to?
At first, we were concerned about them, and we tried to strike up a conversation in order to understand their strange schedule. But it quickly became clear that they were not interested in befriending us, in fact, they would purposely try to avoid us. If they were in the kitchen and one of us went in, they would scurry out as fast as they could. It was really strange. Sure, you might not want to be friends, but we haven’t done anything to you. Why do you act as if we are horrible people? They also hate light, the sun, and anything bright. Every time someone turns on a light, they will leave the room! I’m sorry but what is that about? Not all of us can eat in the dark, bestie.
Their behavior is so strange that there was a point where my suitemates and I really thought they might be a kleptomaniac. The oddest things would suddenly disappear. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my cheddar cheese bag went missing at one of the very few hours when they were around. Buy your own! Some of my roommates’ peanut butter also magically disappeared. How strange.
At first, they would steal things when we were gone, but in the end, they no longer cared if you saw them. I walked into the kitchen a couple days ago and made direct eye contact with them while they ate my cheese! They were so shameless, they just kept eating it right in front of me. It came to the point where I had to hide the cookies I baked in the oven because I knew that if they found them, they would eat them all and leave none for the rest of us.
Last night, my suitemates and I finally got fed up with their behavior and took matters into our own hands. You may be wondering, how could this roommate horror story possibly get worse? Well, they had now decided that it was socially acceptable to hang out in other people’s rooms without an invitation and when we weren’t even there. Imagine my roommate and I’s surprise when we opened the door to our room after coming back from dinner and saw our roommate sitting there. Hello? What? Why in the world are you here? We did not say anything and immediately walked out. We talked to the rest of our suitemates and devised the perfect plan. Tonight was the night this absolute madness would all end. My suitemates and I walked back into our room and cornered our roommate. We blocked the door so they could not escape and gave them the biggest death glares. They did not say anything, it’s as if they just did not care. They just sat there! Completely ignoring us. Huh? Every once in a while, they would try to leave, but we were determined to take care of this that night, so we would scream at them to come back. Listen, I’m not a violent person, but there was a point where I truly contemplated hitting them with my overpriced gray Target plunger. After a four hour staredown, our very incredibly strange roommate finally gave in. I guess the smell of peanut butter and cheddar cheese was too delectable to resist. They scurried their furry little body across the floor and right into our trap. At last, they were finally stuck on one of our several sticky traps under a trash can. I’ve never been so happy having such a big and heavy Italian textbook. Thank you Percorsi for being heavy enough to prevent our furry little friend from escaping their fate. We quickly Good riddance. You won’t be missed, Mickey Mouse.