As I reach the end of another year, I decided to take the time to write down and reflect on some meaningful experiences that have shaped the woman I am becoming. Reflecting on past experiences is an integral part of growing up and of understanding why I do the things I do. This is why I am sharing my first, formative experience regarding sex—I encourage you to think about your experience, too, and how it has shaped you.
During high school, I never expected this to happen to me. I was relatively shy unless I knew you really well. Even then, I held everyone at arm’s length. Somehow, one person managed to get through to me and left behind an indelible mark on my heart.
After six months, I knew everything about Ben from his favorite color to his political and religious beliefs. I liked how he could cheer me up, how he drove with one hand so he could hold my hand with the other, and how he would belt out The Beatles even though his voice was not American Idol-worthy by any means. He broke down all my walls and I wanted to make him feel as lucky as I felt every time I was around him. I was ready to take the next step in our relationship.
Of course I had learned about sex in health class. At the time, I distinctly remember thinking, “What’s the big deal?” I could not understand how sex could have so many repercussions. The people on “The Real World” did not seem particularly affected about the consequences…so why should I? Besides, I was in love and truly believed Ben would be my one and only.
I tried everything to convince Ben to have sex with me, but he wanted to have a serious discussion about sex before we rushed into it. He was extremely cautious. First, we thought of all the worst-case scenarios, mainly the fear of pregnancy, and we decided I had to be on the Pill. Even though he was not a virgin himself, he explained to me how much sex meant to him. He only wanted to have sex with someone he was in love with—to which I responded, “We are in love! Let’s go!” He explained further that I would get attached to him in a way I was not prepared. He said I might not think that right now, but it would happen and I would have to be ready for it. I told him that I wanted to be as close to him as I possibly could (a pretty good response if I say so myself). We finally agreed on Valentine’s Day that it would happen soon.
At the end of the month, his parents went away for the night. I remember putting on an outfit that I knew he could not resist, and he drove me to his house holding my hand the entire way. My heart pounded. I was nervous, but there was no turning back now. I did not want to turn back, though, because I knew Ben would be there for me no matter what happened that night. He admitted to being nervous too, so it took a little while for us both to be ready…and then it happened.
Just like that, I was no longer a virgin. Ben sent numerous texts later that night asking if I was okay, reassuring me he would always be there. What Ben had said about being attached in an inexplicable way became immediately true. I was even more crazy about him than I thought possible before we had sex. I was intensely physically attracted to him in addition to having stronger emotions towards him. I loved being with him in such a close, meaningful way for us to privately share (minus the one mailman who definitely saw us that one time…). Ben was my first everything and I cannot say that for anyone else.
Unfortunately, Ben and I are no longer together. One of the most painful reasons for our break up was that we both forgot how meaningful sex was to us. Despite all of the bitter feelings I had eventually developed for him, I am lucky to have had my first time be so incredible in every aspect. He was respectful, caring and genuinely concerned about me.
Now, I hold sex to a high standard because of my first time experience. I expect sex to be between two people who are madly in love. This makes things difficult, at times, as not everyone has the same opinions and standards, and admittedly my ex-boyfriend still has a hold on me that I struggle to break free from. But I have tried to hold myself to this standard, and am currently looking for another relationship comparable to this experience. My first time has undoubtedly shaped the way I will think about sex for the rest of my life.