As a Muslim girl living in America, or really in any western country, many people who aren’t Muslim, or are not familiar with Muslim practices, find it confusing that Muslims choose not to date, or have romantic relationships, before marriage. This has created a lot of misconceptions about Muslims being forced into marriage, women being completely controlled by their husbands, and ultimately that Muslims are not loving people. I hope I can clear up some of these misconceptions through the framework of a special kind of love — Divine love.
I remember having a conversation with a close friend of mine years ago after she informed me she was dating a boy. We ended up on the topic of Muslims not dating.
“How do you guys get married if you can’t date?” she wondered.
“Are you dating this boy to see if you guys will get married?” I asked before answering her question.
She threw her head back in laughter, “Dude, of course not, we’re just in high school. We probably won’t end up getting married, but we might last all four years of high school. I’ll get to have that experience of loving someone. And then maybe I’ll meet other people, date other guys, until I find the right person.”
“Oh, okay, so if dating is just trying to find someone to marry, Muslims do that too. Contrary to the trash on Netflix, the girl’s dad doesn’t just force her to marry a guy. The dad might introduce his daughter to a guy and they will meet each other and really focus their time on trying to see if they should get married.”
“Wow, I definitely would not have learned that on Netflix.”
“Yeah, definitely not!”
Our conversation ended there but I thought more about this. With some insight from my Islamic teacher, I realized there’s this popular idea that you will just automatically fall in love with the perfect guy, but no guy or girl is perfect. You learn to love someone. Before we put all our energy into finding our perfect half to hold and to love, it’s most important we learn to love ourselves. Self love is a buzzword these days, but in my framework self love is realizing Divine Love.
A. Helwa’s book, Secrets of Divine Love, has a chapter where she answers the question, “Who are you? You are an intentional creation of a perfect God. You are not a product of chance or luck.” This brings comfort to me knowing that my existence has a purpose. Out of all the creations in the universe and beyond, you and I exist. We were chosen, so why wouldn’t we love ourselves?
This is my belief. Whatever you may believe or not believe is absolutely your choice as well. But we all share a belief in self love, because we can’t deny just being here is a great wisdom. We all offer a lot to the world, even if you don’t realize it — think of your parents, your siblings, your grandparents, your best friends, and what you mean to them. They love you, so of course you must love yourself. So, you also respect yourself and take care of your mental and physical needs.
Keeping in mind how necessary it is to love ourselves, I think it is paramount to be careful of who we let into our hearts, and more importantly how we let them in. In line with why Muslims don’t date, there is a huge emphasis on respect between men and women. Contrary to popular belief in mainstream media, women are not supposed to be completely isolated from men, nor are they to be controlled by the fathers and husbands. Instead, men and women interact with each other with a good intention, speak in a kind way, and just respect each other’s space. When we see people in this way, we fall in love with someone not for their superficial features, rather we love someone’s conduct and character. Like the old adage says, looks may fade but personality lasts.
Is love really in the air? I think it is within all of us gifted from our Source.