Lizzie McGuire Must Die Because I Have Lizzie-insecurity

If you live under a rock and weren’t aware, Disney Channel early-2000’s hit classic Lizzie McGuire is coming back on its new streaming platform Disney+. Will I be spending money on Disney+? Don’t tell my mother who said “no more wasting money,” but yes. 

Apparently the entire cast is coming back for the revival, which means that the image of eighth grade Lizzie and Gordo (How was she in eighth grade? She was more put together and mature looking than I am now.) kissing with the fireworks will be transformed into an older Lizzie and Gordo. Doing what? I don’t know. Apparently sharing a first name with the protagonist doesn’t give you any exclusive information about the show. 

I love Lizzie McGuire, I always have. Her fashion? Iconic. Her stint as a pop star? Iconic. The entire Lizzie McGuire Movie? Iconic. 

I saw a picture of her with butterfly clips and I bought a set online because I was feeling a bit nostalgic. Lizzie McGuire was the girl we all wanted to be, and yet she wasn’t the coolest girl in her middle school. Why? Maybe it was the fact that she had a creepy little version of herself playing devil’s advocate on her shoulder, but I was never really able to figure that out. 

Yes. Yes it is. 

Lizzie McGuire gives good representation to Lizzie-kind. We need better posterchildren for Lizzie-kind because Lizzie Borden is just not cutting it. Apparently being (the best and obviously most popular) a writer for Her Campus does not give you the clout to call yourself the most significant person with your name. So Lizzie McGuire is a good alternative. 

However, I have one issue with the reboot of Lizzie McGuire: I no longer will be chief Lizzie. While all you at home must be thinking that I am crazy for even considering myself to be the most important Lizzie in a world of many, many other Lizzies. But I am narcissistic, so in my mind, there is no one who can reach peak Lizzie like I can. 

I’m hurt because this show is coming for my life, and I’m perpetually tired and hungry. See a relatable young lady. 

Yes, “What Dreams Are Made of” was the best piece of music ever produced in the early 2000’s, but I am sure I could do better. Ask my tap professor who claims I distract other students … for talent reasons obviously, not for talking, because why would she do that?  Or even better, just ask my choir director who chooses to call me “you” even though he knows my name since I am obviously sooooo talented. 

So this is me, telling the producers of Lizzie McGuire to butt out of my life. Keep her off the air so I can be selfish. I’m all about the self-love now; here’s an article I wrote about it.

Lizzie McGuire, you must die — or at least not come back as a reboot — because I have Lizzie-insecurity. My ego is more important than Disney’s greedy capitalism. Where’s that High School Musical reunion? I want that! Not this new cast thing, bring back the greatest cultural phenomenon of all time rather than Lizzie McGuire. Save this poor Lizzie’s pride.