Last semester, I wrote the masterpiece “To All the Boys who Try to Speak French in My Literature Class.” Now, I find myself in a place where I must become one of those “French speakers.” Why, you might ask? Because now it’s my turn to be an asshole in seminar. This is how I became the token French thing, and how you can do the same.
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Change your name to something dumb like Pierre.
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Forget that consonants exist.
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Mention you are French in every conversation.
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Wear a beret.
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Mumble under your breath whenever anything in French pops up in a book.
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Say “oui” whenever you need to go to the bathroom (kill two birds with one stone).
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Drink cheap wine and pretend it was extremely expensive.
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Pretend, unlike most Americans, that you know where France is on a map.
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Remind everyone who helped the Americans win the war.
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Do not mention all the wars you have lost.
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Get your parents to spend $15,000 on summer mime school.
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Only wear stripes.
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Eat exclusively authentic Dunkin Donuts croissants.
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Only pronounce croissant cwassant.
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Whenever someone leaves a room, tell them bon voyage.
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Always kiss people when greeting them.
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Never wear deodorant.
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Call a five-dollar-foot-long a baguette.
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Any time a celebrity has a remotely french sounding name, ask “Are they French?”
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Even if they’re not French, tell everyone they are.
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Make sure to mispronounce all non-French names.
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Get drawn like one of those French girls.
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Bring up the one time you went to France every ten minutes.
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Pretend that you bought your Garnier shampoo from France (even though it’s from CVS).
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Pronounce CVS Ce-ve-ess.
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Get a chain smoking addiction.
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Remind everyone that you have a chain smoking addiction.
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Tell everyone smoking is actually healthy.
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Make sure to call anyone who disagrees a “stupid American.”
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Complain about the state of French public transportation.
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Defend French public transportation when you get on the 1 train.
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Pretend you know what gilets jaunes means.
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Call every single woman a filles.
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Pronounce la croix lah cwah.
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Loudly open a can of escargot in class and proceed to oudly slurp each one.
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Change your diet completely, and only eat food “labeled French” eg. fries and toast.
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Unfriend anyone who tries to give you prosecco, champagne only.
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Randomly mention Napoleon, even when it’s irrelevant.
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Create an entire French persona, even though you’re from New Jersey.
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Buy a Moncler sweatshirt and pretend to be part of the French high fashion scene.
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Make sure nobody forgets when you went to school in France, even if it was only for a week.
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Add unneçessary french accénts to random wôrds.
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Any word that ends in -tion, pronounce it see-on, even if you’re speaking English.
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Call yourself “cultured” unironically.
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Pull out baguettes randomly and proceed to consume them whole.
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Talk about how you know good cheeses, but exclusively eat Kraft singles.
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Refuse to call soccer soccer, only football.
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Burst into English renditions of Les Mis songs.
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Talk about how unhealthy Americans are, but proceed to eat a stick of butter.
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Tell a native French speaker that their accent is wrong.
Now that you’re a real Frenchman, make sure every person knows it. Bon voyage.