In one way, you should’ve been able to see finals coming. But in another, more real way, you have thirty pages of writing due next week, you CCers never went to the opera for Music Hum, and you need to convince someone to teach you all of Calculus before Monday at 3:00 PM. While CU is undoubtably a place for very smart students to get together and do things like discuss Socrates using the Socratic Method, it’s also a place for liars and psychopaths to hone their craft. From your manipulative ex-boyfriend to that kid in your Econ class who you’re pretty sure is seducing the TA, people at CU will do anything to get ahead. Come finals season, when you’d happily send your Intro to Art History TA a photoshopped pamphlet from your own mother’s fake funeral to buy yourself a few more days on that Warhol paper, you’ll finally understand why everyone here is so freaking shady. Follow our extension-asking tips and, hopefully, it won’t get that dire.
1. Don’t Kill Anyone
As discussed above, we all know someone who’s graduating with way fewer fake relatives than they started with. While inventing a great-aunt only to kill her off in a natural disaster right before your midterm might seem like a win-win, bad grade juju is nothing compared with fake death karma. Leave life and death to a higher power, and focus on some less hysterical methods for resuscitating your GPA.
2. Don’t Overshare
Everyone knows that the brevity is the soul of excuse emails. For example, try saying that you need a day-long extension because you have a prior commitment for another class, not “My Intro to Music professor gave us my section the wrong dates to see Madame Butterfly because she’s going through a messy divorce. She’s been so absent-minded that she didn’t tell all of us that the very last performance the New York City Opera is ever going to put on of the show is actually happening tonight and attendance is 50% of our semester grade.”
3. No One Likes a Sick Girl (In a Good Way)
While some professors insist on a doctor’s note, at the end of the day, no one actually wants to talk about someone else’s illness. Things like fevers, vomiting, and night sweats are super gross. That’s why a really simple fake illness is often the way to go. You can score sympathy without totally sabotaging your karma and can likely count on very few follow-up questions.
4. Computer Problems
What did people even do before computers? In addition to solving our entire lives, computers have also given us a foolproof extension excuse. “Computer Problems” like a virus or laptop crash are as incontrovertibly debilitating as they are impossible to un-prove. Honestly, you could make up all sorts of tech nonsense — nobody actually understands computers. Plus, odds are your professor has some form of genius bar PTSD and really doesn’t want to get into a detailed discussion of the ins and outs of your MacBook.
5. The Truth
Novel, I know. But professors at Barnard and Columbia have occasionally been known to have a heart and take pity on their overworked students. My advice would be to fess up to your extreme stress as early as possible, and in person. When forced to put a face on their grueling courseload, odds are your prof will be moved to throw you an extra day or two.
**Disclaimer: This article is a personal piece and does not necessarily reflect the views of Her Campus Media.