College is a strategic machine, namely, in the way that it keeps you busy with finals and work until the absolute last moment so that you don’t have that much time to freak out about graduation or your future. But what academia doesn’t realize is that, just because they’ve made your freakout shorter, it doesn’t mean they’ve made it any less potent. We have less than a week left till graduation, which means we have less than one week to shed all our tears, voice all our frustrations, hook up with everyone we haven’t hooked up with yet, and tell everyone all our secrets (and the secrets of everyone we know). Good luck.
Freakout 1: The “I don’t have a future or a legacy freakout” as told by Warner Huntington III
Freakout 2: The “I don’t know how to make friends outside of college Freakout” as told by Smeagol
Freakout 3: The “I have no plans and no prospects I’m never gonna leave my couch” freakout as told by Bart Simpson
Freakout 4: The “I’m gonna be confined to my couch AND have no friends” freakout as told verbatim by Meghan Fox – wait, Megan Fox? She definitely has everything. Why is she complaining?!
Freakout 5: The “All the popular girls from my high school who weren’t smart enough to get into Columbia or Barnard are coming to New York City? SO, THEY’RE GONNA MAKE ME FEEL SMALL AGAIN?!” freakout as told by Kate from Lizzie McGuire
Freakout 6: The “At least you’re living in New York. I’m on the road to nowhere and by nowhere I mean South of the Mason Dixon line” freakout as told by For Love and Hip Hop
Freakout 7: The “Oh my God, I’m moving back home. I’m gonna have to live with my family. Do you remember how annoying helicopter parents are? I’M AN ADULT MOM LEAVE ME ALONE I’LL BE HOME BY TWO” freakout as told by this SNL mom jeans ad
Freakout 8: The “How am I going to ever love another bar as much as I love 1020/Mel’s/Cannons/The Heights” freakout as told by Parks and Rec
Freakout 9: The “Oh, so I guess this officially means I am not gonna meet the love of my life in college that’s cool but like if not now when” freakout featuring Casey and Cappie
Freakout 10: The “Holy mother so this is what you mean when you say New York is expensive you mean I’m living in a miniature closet infested by vermin” freakout featuring Zoolander
Freakout 11: The “I’m moving to downtown Manhattan I heard it’s all models there people are going to look at me like I have 8 heads” freakout as told by models
Freakout 12: The “I’ve had internships before but literally how am I supposed to sit at one desk from 9-5 five days a week that’s 40 hours a week that’s 50 weeks a year that’s 2000 hours a year that’s so many hours” freakout as told by Mary J Blige
Freakout 13: The “I’m a woman of color my parents are immigrants and soon this country might be a very unsafe place for me because the first election I will have to vote in after college includes Trump” freakout featuring an orange pipe cleaner
Don’t worry though cause you because you have The Nine Ways of Knowing and a strong Core and no one can ever take it away from you. Not even today’s competitive job market!