A Few Words From Millie the Grumpy Bear

Hey guys, Millie here. If you’ve seen me around campus, you know that I am, in general, a very affable kind of gal. It’s the way I was made, literally: I couldn’t stop smiling even if I wanted to. My contract also requires that I hug anyone who steps within 3 feet of my person, and that I put up with a seemingly endless BEAR-rage of girls asking me to be in their instagrammed profile pictures. But hey, I get paid to be happy and spread Barnard Cheer all around, so I guess I can’t complain too much, right? WRONG. There are so many little things here at Barnard that wizzle my whiskers, so when the editors of hercampus Barnard came to me asking if I wanted to write an article, I saw a golden opportunity: to go all Grizzly for a change and be frank about the stuff I cannot stand. Now come here and give me a hug.

 

1. Printer Problems

 

Let me fill you in on a helpful tip: if you go to print something out in Sulz, and you’re getting an error message saying that the printer is jammed, you can probably fix it just by opening the printer door, pulling out the sheet of paper, and closing the door again. I don’t understand how there are girls here who got perfect scores on their SATs, but still find a way to stand, baffled, staring at the printer, waiting for someone else to come and fix the problem in what takes all of 30 seconds. Also, if you cause a printer jam, hurrying out of the room does not absolve your guilt. I saw what you did. I hope your Diana Pizza comes out burnt.

 

2. Elevators and -THAT- girl

 

As a bear, I love elevators. There’s nothing that makes my fur stand up like riding the Diana elevators up to the fifth floor, and then back down again, until I bored, nauseous, or both. But some of the lifts at this fine college are simply unBEARable. My paws are so big that I push too many buttons at once, and one of the Plimpton elevators has this tendency to freeze up and only open the door about half an inch, requiring me to use every last bit of my ursine strength to free myself and get to class on time. Then there are THOSE girls, who, for no other reason than laziness, take the elevator no more than 1 or 2 floors up. This is understandable if you have a disability or some other circumstance that makes the stairs impossible. But if it’s just a matter of you not wanting to exert your muscles for 45 seconds while you go up a flight of steps, then expect full on Millie sass. And you all complain about not having enough time to exercise.

 

3. The “International” Station at the Diana Cafe

 

Do you enjoy waiting 15 minutes for a Chicken Caesar wrap? Especially when the salad is already mixed and ready to go, and could probably be assembled in 30 seconds, tops? It’s almost as if there’s some strange rip in the space-time continuum, just between the pizza line and the grill. Also, whole-grain wraps do not a good burrito make, unless you want ground beef all over your lap. Simply TEDDY-ble.

 

4. The Registrar’s Office

 

You might as well call this the Regist-RAWWRR’s office, seeing as how I can’t think of a time that I’ve strolled by and NOT seen a girl hurriedly rushing away with tears in her eyes because she didn’t fill out a form right. You Barnard ladies are busy with a million things, and sometimes, accidents happen when planning your program or switching majors. But it shouldn’t have to be so scary! Especially for an office that has more kitten calendars per square inch than any other place on campus.

 

5. Info Session Idiocy

 

This is a school with one of the top 5 career development offices in the country: they offer, on average, 2,500 internships (there are only 2400 students). So then, how is it that the only consistently-occurring info sessions are with Investment Banking firms like IBM, Merril-Lynch, and Goldman-Sachs? Sure, President Spar’s position on the Goldman-Sachs executive board creates all sorts of opportunities for Barnard econ majors that might not exist otherwise, but what about the English majors? Or the History majors? What about the girls studying Medieval Studies, or Archaeology, or any other discipline that does not involve number-crunching? Diversity is the way to go, Career Development. I’m sure – FUR sure – there are other foiks who would be more than willing to talk to undergrads than just IBM, and in settings a little less hectic than the shitshow that is the Career Fair. Or at least let me opt out of the emails! RARRGGH!

 

And with that I’m off to mope in the Altschul Atrium. No photos, please. Sincerely, Millie the Grumpy Bear