Are you craving curly fries, chicken fingers, hamburgers, and Jamba Juice in one round of calorie-fueled deliciousness? Well, sorry Barnard, but your access to this dream world is officially denied.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that I’m referring to the uproariously horrifying new rule that Barnard students can no longer swipe into JJ’s. It’s time for the bold and beautiful of the west side of 116th and Broadway to kiss that greasy fried goodness goodbye.
To be honest, I’ve only been to JJ’s twice in my life, and both times were during Bacchanal, so my memory of Columbia’s little corner of heaven isn’t in the sharpest of shapes. However, I can’t help but feel a wave of jealousy and possessiveness now that my swipe has been rejected. It’s like when you’re casually dating a cute and nice but very surface-level kind of guy, and you’re really not that interested in him, but you keep him around so that you can stop dressing up and trying to be cool and flirty at the bars. Suddenly, he breaks up with you out of nowhere, and you’re forced to watch some chick steal him away and dangle him in front of your rejection-tear-stained face all over campus. My face is stained with the tears of being rejected by JJ’s! While I never thought we had the greatest connection, I’m suddenly more attracted to JJ’s than ever before. I want him back!
As it turns out, Barnard students were never supposed to have access to JJ’s. After many hungry girls were denied their stress-eating privileges amidst the start of midterm month (yep, I said month), they caused some chaos through rants on social media. This is when Dining Services stepped in and released their statement that JJ’s Place was never meant to be included as part of the Barnard Meal Plan Exchange. We were never supposed to be swiped into JJ’s. Our entire relationship with JJ’s was based on a lie!! I feel so used.
So now it’s time for Barnard women to do the respectable and mature thing after a difficult breakup: find someone better to make JJ’s jealous. I say we head over to Tom’s, order some cheese fries and the biggest milkshake on the menu, and make sure JJ’s sees all the instas and snap chats of us in our blissful new relationship. We were too good for him anyway.