Between the Sheets: Let’s Talk About Condoms

In 5th grade, you watched your clinically depressed gym teacher slide a condom over a banana. Maybe you were aroused. From that point on, men of America, hopefully your relationship with condoms has deepened. That being said, there’s something you should know: Your condom etiquette is like your fingerprint. Witnessing how you deal with them will tell women exactly who you are, and whether they’re interested in going anywhere near you. Charitable soul that I am, I’m going to let you in on what the 5 most common condom “user types” convey.  

 

This might seem like a responsible way to approach your sex life, but is actually what the package is referring to when it vaguely references “user error.” YOU, as a condom user, are ERRING when you take your condom out of it’s safe, comfortable home in its box on your dresser and shove it next to movie stubs, quarters, pebbles and any of the other jagged items that live in your wallet. We can blame your perverted uncle who probably gave you your first condom at your Bar Mitzvah so you could keep it in your Velcro wallet until you were ready to impregnate your first girlfriend 6 years later. 

Conclusion: You didn’t pay attention in sex-ed, and you’re a very optimistic person in general.

 

 

You really enjoyed slapping that super-sized box of condoms down on the counter at Duane Reade. You were feeling playful when you decided to go for the oh-so-practical “Variety Pleasure Pack,” but now you’ve used up the more PG options and are left with some hard sells. The blueberry-flavored choice, while a romantic shade of indigo, makes you look like a smerf/man composite and is off-putting to say the least. But that’s nothing compared to the “Warming Lubricated Condoms” that are also included in the variety pack. Please tell me, condom manufacturers, why you think I would ever want to use a condom that simulates the symptoms of the very diseases I’m trying to protect myself against. Burning is not sexy. It feels like a mistake.

Conclusion: You definitely don’t think ahead. And also are not so aware of what makes girls happy in bed.

 

 

As a woman, I’m less than thrilled at the prospect of using a condom that advertises itself as “40% thinner than the standard condom” (According to Trojan). How thick are they really to begin with? That just seems like tempting the gods a bit too much. Bare = Broken. The end. 

Conclusion: You’re mostly hoping she won’t make you wear one. And are way too trusting, both of Trojan and of the girls you pick up at bars. 

 

 

Conclusion: You suck, and the odds of you getting laid on the reg are really low. 

(Doesn’t apply if you’re in a mutually monogamous relationship and you’ve both been tested)

 

 

The best possible outcome here is that the intense pressure from your multiple layers of condoms cuts off the circulation in your junk, causing you to be infertile, because that would be the beauty of natural selection at work. 

Conclusion: If I ever went home with a guy who tried to whip out this move, I would probably have to do some serious re-evaluating of my standards and turn my life around. Be better, boys.