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2016-2017 CU Predictions

With the 2015-2016 school year quickly becoming as irrelevant as Strokos, we predicted some of the strange occurrences destined to keep CU on our toes this upcoming school year.

1. Bollinger Discovers Unicorn Blood

The similarities between Lee Bollinger and He Who Must Not be Named are so obvious; it’s pretty strange that they’ve never been a Varsity Show punch line. Both are very powerful, fairly disliked, and hardly ever seen in broad daylight. And, given Bollinger’s new no-end-in-sight contract, you know he’s going to spend the next year trying to find an immortality loophole (or at least buy enough time to make it to the Manhattanville ribbon cutting). 

2. Barnard Loses the Magnolia Tree

As everyone knows, Barnard is extremely passionate about and divided over its magnolia tree. The magnolia tree is essentially the Palestine of landscaping. When the Magnolia tree was moved to make way for construction, the entire CU community basically went into premature mourning. While no one expressly wants the beloved Magnolia to pass away, I am confident that Barnard would throw a classy and delightful tree funeral, which is something that I personally would like to see.

3. The Rise of the Power Hungry Public Outdoor Sculpture Committee

Public outdoor sculpture really kicked it into gear this year, going from unobtrusive and un-commented on to unnecessarily assertive and overwhelmingly despised. The drama began, as it always does, outside of Butler, when CU announced plans to obstruct the famous vista with a Henry Moore sculpture. The sculpture, which doesn’t not look like a strange child’s interpretation of a dragon, has been universally mocked both by art history majors and people with too much time on their hands. Inspired by this controversy-induced adrenaline rush, we predict that next year will bring a slew of new outdoor sculptures, foot soldiers in the administration’s war on aesthetic cohesion.

4. American Studies and Architecture Majors unite to Form One Super-Hot Major

It’s only a matter of time before the stone cold hotties who like to hang out in Avery join forces with the bearded American Studies majors in your Beat Generation Lit class. This v necessary amalgamated fuccboi major will produce well dressed specimens who would vote for Bernie and will take you on dates to Storm King. 

5. Ferris Closes

When Ferris isn’t being downright offensive—never forget the sexual assault awareness cake—, it’s just plain gross. No amount of outdoor seating (or actual money) could make up for the way that a Ferris Booth pasta bowl makes you feel. 

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