Ten things I don’t know how to cope with, so don’t contact me because I won’t know how to help you.
- Responding to emails is impossible.
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It is the hardest thing in the whole world. Every important email I have ever received became lost under a pile of crap and spam. Emails from professors or Canvas notifications cause me to panic and watch five episodes of Lizze McGuire in one sitting. To those of you who respond to emails in a timely fashion: teach me your ways.
- Responding to texts asking how I’ve been is physically painful.
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Please don’t ask me that; send me memes instead.
- Getting a call when it could have been a text.
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You interrupted my Instagram scrolling with a phone call, and had nothing substantial to say. Why the fuck would you do that? You are cancelled.
- Seeing my friends over the winter is a non-option because going out when it is cold is unthinkable.
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No matter how much I love you, it’s just too cold. Do not make plans with me, I will cancel.
- Going to disgusting frat parties (Mel’s and 1020 are also trash).
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Everything else is far away. As such, it is perfectly justifiable for me to stay home.
- Finding it acceptable to sleep for 12 hours a night.
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And still napping between classes.
- Going without eating for hours because food is too far away.
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The supermarket is far away. Sweetgreen is far away. My kitchen is far away. I wish I could photosynthesize.
- Showing up late for everything, but still being proud I showed up at all.
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A for effort.
- Leaving my clean laundry in the basket until it pisses me off and/or I run out of clothes to wear.
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And refusing to unpack from a trip until I’ve fallen over the bag in front of my closet at least three times.
- Never bringing a jacket.
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On the rare occasions where I do it’s not cold enough and I have to carry it everywhere.
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk, goodbye.