Bachelor in Paradise or Camp Colgate?

Watching Bachelor in Paradise seems like such a far away situation... Like a setting you could never be in, despite how many times you slide into Chris Harrison's DMs begging him for a spot as bartender. However, maybe your own Paradise isn't as far away as you think? Maybe this congregation of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes could be found at the latest fraturday? The Jug? Tach? The places may be different, but the guys are much more similar than you may think...

1. The Chris ("Goose")

We all know this guy. He hangs out with you once or twice, and texts you day in and day out. Things seem to be going well, he's really comfortable around you. After you start to catch feelings for him you try to hide it because you're nervous, but "Chris" reassures you that there's no reason for you to be scared... You're the only girl he's interested in!

Wrong.

Immediately following that conversation he drops you and all of your feelings and moves onto Krystal... I mean the next girl.

Sure, Chris. You got engaged. You and Krystal are surprisingly not America's least favorite couple. But don't think we're all going to forget about how hard you played Tia the night before you kissed Krystal.

2. The Jordan

Then there is the unexpected winner. The "golden retriever" of the pack. Although he's a pretty boy on the front, and when you go to stalk him you find that he has posted more than one too many selfies on his Instagram, he's actually a good guy beneath it all. But be careful, because although golden retriever puppies are loyal and cute, when they grow up they're very protective. Like them, "Jordan" will attack any guy that tries to take you away from him.

In the time that he's not tending to his Guy-lights, he'll be there by your side. When you fight, he'll draw "I'M SORRY" into the sand for you. And whenever you need the perfect Instagram, he'll be sure to capture every angle for you.

Jordan- you had us at, "Attached to me is professionality."

3. The Connor

Where there's a Jordan, there's a Connor. Although equally appealing in looks, his personality is enough to make you run the other direction. It's the guy at the bar that comes up to you and you're all excited, you're stomach's fluttering, and then 20 minutes later you're sending out an "SOS" text to your group chat for someone to save you from the awful conversation that has involved an in depth analysis of this guy's daily work out and skin care routine.

Even worse, if your friends don't save you and you end up going for that extra shot, he's the guy you'll wake up in bed with the next morning covered in his hair gel and regrets.

We can't take it away from you Connor, your abs are ridiculous. But I think you lost most of us when you asked Wells to put your drink in a champagne flute and called it your "signature drink."

4. The Leo

Then of course there are the regrettable Leos. The Fabio look-a-likes that sweep you off your feet and make you forget your name. Then shortly after you commit to ruining the steady fling you were having, you realize that his long wavy locks and toothy smile are just there to distract everyone from his truly offensive personality and manipulative tendencies.

He'll cheat on you down the line and try to make you feel like it was your fault. He's guy who will show up at your door three months after the break up and freak out when you tell him you're seeing someone else... Then send you uncomfortable texts and DMs until he's blocked from every possible way of contacting you.

Leo, there's only one thing to say here... You should've quit after Becca's season while you were ahead.

5. The Eric

How could we leave out the Masters of The Friend Zone!? Yes, the Erics of the world who thrive in the most dreaded of places- the friend zone. They get close to you. They won't try a single thing for weeks. Then, they begin to lay on the compliments, and linger just close enough when you're out so that no other guys try anything with you.

You'll begin to feel like there are no other prospects and that maybe "Eric" really is a good guy and you should give him a shot. And that, my friend, is when they've accomplished their goal... And when you've lost all control over the situation without even realizing it.

Now, it would be wrong to say that we condone what you did to Angela. And we don't. But I do think that we can all agree that your navigation of the Friend Zone was absolutely inspiring.

6. The Colton

When you've found a guy that claims to be over his ex, but definitely isn't, look no further... You have found a Colton! A man who is truly indecisive and too emotionally immature to face the reality of the situation which is that he is most definitely not ready to have any kind of relationship at the moment. He will flirt with you, and maybe even let things start to get serious, but don't get too comfortable. As soon as someone mentions the ex beware of some serious water works. But he's pretty, so you decide you might as well give it a shot.

He'll ultimately sit you down and say that "you're an amazing girl" and that "you deserve the best" but he "just can't be what you deserve." Which is a load of crap. That's code for, "I knew I wasn't over [insert ex's name here] but I tried things with you anyway, so I feel like apologizing for wasting your time is what I should do so I don't look bad. Oh and I'll add in that you're amazing for when you tell your friends what I said".

Then just a few weeks later you'll see him on The Bachelor... I mean, some dating app, and know that he's about to do to some poor unsuspecting girl what he did to you.

Colton, needless to say you weren't ready for a relationship on Becca's season and definitely not on Paradise, yet here we are and you're the Bachelor... At least you're not too bad on the eyes so this season will be tolerable enough for me to watch devoutly because I have no relationships of my own to tend to.

7. The John

Then there's the serial dater- the embracing my youth type of guy... The Johns. Very nice, surprisingly charming, but never looking to settle down... Except you don't realize that until he never calls you after your second date.

The thing is, "John" is so nice that when he drops you, you probably assume it was your fault because there's no way he could just ghost you. So he goes on dating other people without a thought, and you're stuck sitting home contemplating what you did that led to this night alone on your couch with a glass of wine and reruns of Law and Order.

Well, John, you definitely were the dark horse that took Paradise by storm! Definitely enjoyed the hours well spent watching you date five different girls and end up with none of them in the end... If you didn't think you could handle a long distance relationship, you probably shouldn't have gone on a nationwide dating show. Maybe stick to Tinder next time.

8. The Kevin

Which guy is next? Oh right, I couldn't see him over all of the baggage he brought with him. Yes, you guessed it. It's Kevin! The guy who can never separate the relationship that he's in at the time from all of those in the past. If you're with a Kevin just know you'll be dating him, his ex, his almost girlfriend from college, and the girl that stood him up that time in 9th grade. All of them.

Needless to say it's less than ideal.

But for some reason, you have committed to it. And you're balancing dating him and all the other girls that have broken his heart. Maybe it's because he's a hot Canadian firefighter? Maybe it's because he has insanely chiseled abs and perfectly curly hair to match? Whatever the reason, there's not a fire strong enough to burn all the baggage "Kevin" has brought into your life.

Kevin, one half of one of the strongest Paradise couples... We were all so happy to see you and Astrid work things out, but the break up was most definitely not your most flattering moment.

9. The Kamil

There's no way we could leave out the Kamils of this world! The sweet, dashing men who will shamelessly dump you in a room filled with your friends and family. The guys who will leave you at the bar if you get in a fight, and make you pay for an Uber home... Then not pay you back for it. And yes, that guy who hooked up with that blonde girl at the bar in front of you and your friends most definitely counts as a "Kamil".

It'll be fun with him for a while, but ultimately will burst into flames when you realize the whole time you were giving much more to the relationship than he was the whole time. The good news? Your friends will be there for you through it all because #girlgang.

We always had our reservations about you Kamil, you night one Becca reject. And here we are, six months later, regretting ever giving you a chance in our hearts and on our TVs. Watching you break up with Annaliese was definitely less than good for your public appeal as far as I'm concerned.

10. The Joe

Now I'm sure I have you thinking that all men are bad, and that Bachelor in Paradise was filled with these nightmare men. But #10 is here to affirm that is not the truth! At last, we have reached the "Joe." The true shining stars in this world of ghosting and one night stands.

"Joe" will always have you laughing and feeling comfortable being your weirdest self. He won't pressure you to settle, but he'll be committed to you, and only you, no matter what you do or who else you date. Because, at the end of the day, he knows that you're the one for him... And you know it too.

Unsuspecting Grocery Store Joe! The brightest light in an array of night one rejects. You and Kendall gave Paradise the most #couplegoals feels since the days of Tanner and Jade. So thank you for letting us vicariously live through you adorable people this summer.