Ask Miss Colgate: Lost in Hookup Culture


Honest advice from a Colgate collegiette!

I have been seeing the same guy since the end of last semester, but I’m not quite sure where we stand. We hookup almost every weekend, text a lot, and we have soberly watched movies together a few times. I am also 99% sure he hasn’t hooked up with anyone else since we started hanging out. I want to take things to the next level (like be boyfriend/girlfriend or at least put some sort of label on it), but I’m not sure how he’d react and I don’t want to make things weird. What should I do?

These kinds of pseudo-relationships seem to be more common on the Colgate campus than traditional relationships! This guy sounds like the typical post-adolescent male basking in his final 4 years of relative freedom before he has to get his act together and have “real” responsibilities. There is nothing wrong with this type of attitude, but it lends to the kind of hook-up culture that we have at Colgate. You have found yourself somewhere in the gray area between just hooking up and full-blown dating. It sounds like there is a higher degree of attraction and companionship than just hooking up, but there is not the same kind of commitment one would find in a defined relationship. You are going to have to do a bit of reflection on your relationship to gauge his potential feelings about taking things to the next level. Ask yourself: Does he initiate sober texting/conversations? Does he ask you personal questions to try to get to know you? Is he respectful of your wants and preferences in bed? If the answer is yes, then don’t be afraid to ask him what his thoughts are. You’ve got nothing to lose. He will either be open to the idea of a relationship or he won’t. If he isn’t, then he is just wasting your time anyway. On the other hand, if the majority of his texts are along the lines of “are you going out tonight?”, if most of your hang-outs end with the capstone of hooking up, or if he has never mentioned or implied commitment in any of your conversations, then it’s probably safe to assume he isn’t looking for a girlfriend. Save yourself the awkwardness of instigating a serious talk and just move on. Besides, in the majority of situations, if a guy wants you to be his girlfriend he will make it crystal clear. Don’t be discouraged if things don’t go your way. This guy obviously has feelings for you to an extent; he just knows he isn’t in a position to be a responsible boyfriend. He is actually being sensitive to your needs even though it doesn’t seem like it! When you find the right guy (he’s out there!) you won’t need to question how he feels.


Photograph by: Handout, Sony Pictures