Mike & Robb: 2 is Better Than 1

I decided to make Mike M. and Robb A. campus celebrities because they are the self-proclaimed best-looking boys on campus. And who could argue with that? I think every Colby girl on campus should get to know both boys in depth. Sitting down in their crammed triple in East Quad on Mike aka Mastro’s twenty-first birthday, the two baseball stars stretch out across their beat up couches with several of their teammates—Bud Lights and 40s in hand (don’t worry, they’re both 21!). They find no shame in drinking during the week. It’s Monday Funday, right? But don’t be thrown off by their weekday tomfoolery—Mastro’s currently batting .333, and Robb’s hitting .342. That’s better than almost all of Major League Baseball. So as far as I’m concerned, they can keep doing what they’re doing.

Interviewing these boys was certainly a thrill. Watching them collaborating with their friends in their inebriated state lead me to believe that one day, these boys will be stand-up comedians, or have their own reality TV show. They share one of the most profound bromances I’ve ever seen, and are not afraid to show how much they care for each other. And they’re even connected on the baseball field—Mastro, at third base, throws primarily to Robb at first base. And as they look into each other’s eyes sitting in their room, their infield connection comes alive even more.

I’ve never done two campus celebrities in one article, so I’ve decided to craft this slightly differently from what I normally do. I don’t want to lose any of Mastro’s or Robb’s brilliant answers to my interview questions, so I’m going to show the exact Q & A that took place in East, word for word. To these boys’ credit, I did ask them some bizarre questions, so while their answers may appear a little bit strange, know that they were slightly provoked. So ladies, here’s a little preview of the great Mike M. and Robb A.
           
Eliza: What do you guys do on campus?
Mastro: I chill, and play baseball. Oh, and I pack bombs, drop bombs.
Robb: Drink.
 
Eliza: How do you guys prepare for a game?
Mastro: I release some stress 24 hours prior. Then I get into my pregame pups. I meditate, and eat chicken parmesan.
Robb: I do three hours of studying, and get ten hours of sleep, minimum.
 
Eliza: How did you get into playing baseball?
Mastro: My father made me play t-ball, and I just went from there.
Robb: I definitely got into baseball because of Mo Vaughn. (Former Red Sox first baseman, 1991-1998).
 
Eliza: What is the Colby Baseball team dynamic like?
Mastro: We have great team chemistry. We always share loofas in the shower. Oh, and Nasty is always wasted. (“Nasty” starts for Colby in the outfield. He gets the name “Nasty” because he enjoys drinking beers recreationally with his teammates).
Robb: Our team dynamic starts in the shower. And it also finishes in the shower.  
 
Eliza: What are some highlights from your Colby Baseball career?
Mastro: Definitely last season, taking two from Bowdoin. Also, when Robb scored me on a suicide squeeze vs. St. Joe’s.
Robb: Yeah, I’d say winning the Bowdoin series was a highlight. And then later that night going 1 for 1 against BG’s teeth with a homer. (Robb broke Colby baseball catcher Brendan Gallagher’s two front teeth last season by accidently hitting him in the face with a bat after the team’s two wins against Bowdoin. But BG had them fixed, and looks good as new).
 
Eliza: What do you think the other one brings to the team?
Mastro: Robb saves me from a shitload of errors. He’s always a good person to shower with, for sure. And he packs bombs with me.
Robb: Mike’s a great sleeping partner. He doesn’t snore. And he’s a great hitter.
 
Eliza: What’s your walk-out song and why did you choose it?
Mastro: Mine is “Magic Stick” by 50 Cent. It’s pretty self-explanatory.
Robb: Mine is “Rocky Mountain Way” Joe Walsh. I dunno why I chose it, I just like it.
 
Eliza: What is the other one’s most embarrassing moment?
Mastro: Robb’s is definitely when he blacked out three times in twenty-four hours. Then he tried to fight a security guard, and then fell asleep.
Robb: Mastro has a few. Probably any of the multiple times he’s peed on our couch, and his pants, simultaneously.
 
Eliza: What’s your friendship really like?
Mastro: It’s a lot of giving, and not a lot of receiving.
Robb: It’s just Fulton Reed and Dean Portman. (Fulton Reed and Dean Portman are the two main characters from “The Mighty Ducks” movies. If you haven’t seen any of them, you should change that as soon as possible).
 
Eliza: Let’s switch gears. What are your majors?
Mastro: I’m an American Studies major with a minor in math, and a minor in Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies. I took two classes in WGSS by my sophomore year, and I really liked them, so I kept pursuing the minor.
Robb: I’m an English major, and an Administrative Science minor. Not too exciting.
 
Eliza: Tell me a little bit about you two running for Colby College president and vice president, respectfully.
Mastro: Bob was the brains behind our campaign, and it was definitely a corrupt election, we should have won.
Robb: We figured that there would be about thirty-five people who actually voted, so we thought that out of the remaining 1700, we could probably swing forty votes. We still want to know how many votes we actually got. We would do a better job than those who actually won, and will be in office next year. The fact that Mastro’s last name wouldn’t fit on the ballet lost us about 850 votes. (Robb sent out a general announcement to all Colby students announcing that he and Mastro were running for president and vice president. It was a well-crafted message, and they probably lost because most people don’t actually read the general announcements. They probably could have used a better campaign tactic, but the fact that they tried shows their dedication to the Colby student body).
 
Eliza: Describe the other one in three adjectives:
Mastro: Robb is fat, Canadian, and a jackash. (I think jackash means jackass, and I respectfully disagree).
Robb: Mastro is meatballish, slow, and rotund.
 
Eliza: Kim Kardashian or Megan Fox?
Mastro: Megan Fox
Robb: Megan Fox before she got really skinny.
 
Eliza: I hear that you two like to share clothes. Tell me a little bit about that.
Mastro: I take whatever clothes I see, and Robb deals with it.
Robb: Mastro envies my fashion, so he just steals my clothes left and right, and then claims them for his own. I’m over it.
 
Eliza: If you could change one part of your body, what would it be?
Mastro: I would make my forearms less hairy.
Robb: I want Mark Collins-esque flow. Just look at him. (Mark Collins is one of Colby baseball’s ace pitchers. He has beautiful, blonde flow).
 
Eliza: What would be your first question to the people of Antarctica?
Mastro: How do you shower in an igloo?
Robb: I don’t have any questions for them. They should be asking me questions.
 
 
Eliza: What do you think the biggest misconception about the Colby baseball team is?
Mastro: I think the biggest misconception about the Colby baseball team is that we’re not all rapists. We are, in fact, all sexual predators.
Robb: The biggest misconception about us is that we’re all Devlocks. (I’m not sure what that means, and neither of them would explain it to me, so I’m just going to leave it).
 
Eliza: Which girl from Mean Girls would you be and why?
Mastro: I would be Lindsay Lohan so I could look at myself naked all day.
Robb: I’d be Gretchen because she’s the hottest.
 
Eliza: If you could ride any animal, what would it by and why?
Mastro: I’d ride a rhino because it was my high school’s mascot.
Robb: I’d ride a hypogryph because they can fly.
 
Eliza: What song says it all about your current life?
Mastro: “I Wanna F*** You” by Akon, because it’s true.
Robb: “Whenever, Wherever” by Shakira. The title says it all.
 
 
Eliza: Which character on the Jersey Shore do you most identify with and why?
Mastro: I’d say Ronnie, cuz I’m jacked and tan.
Robb: DJ Pauly D because I don’t represent all Italians, I represent myself.
 
Eliza: Where on campus would be the most thrilling for you to hook up?
Mastro: The Dana Beach.
Robb: On the bench press.
 
Eliza: What’s your favorite family tradition?
Mastro: Chicken parmesan Wednesdays.
Robb: Christmas Eve pigs in a blanket.
 
Eliza: If you could meet any famous person, who would it be and what would you say to them?
Mastro: I would definitely meet Nick Swisher, and ask him what blend he packs. (Nick Swisher is the current right fielder for the New York Yankees. “What blend do you pack” translates as “what kind of chewing tobacco do you prefer?”)
Robb: I would meet Jesus, and I would ask him if Mary Magdalene was really a hooker, and then why he didn’t turn water into beer instead of wine.
 
Eliza: What’s the nicest thing your mom does for you?
Mastro: She always loves me no matter what. Shoutout to my mom, whaddup?
Robb: My mom does my laundry. She also brought up a new charger for my phone, and came to our baseball game last week.
 
Eliza: What’s the dumbest argument you’ve ever been in?
Mastro: I’d say the argument I had with Robb when I lost his UMaine Orno hat, and then claimed it was my Mesolanski hat, and that I didn’t even lose it. I totally did lose it. Sorry bro.  
Robb: The argument over who has a harrier ass, Mastro or Murdock? (I’m not sure who Murdock is, and I’m not going to look into it because I don’t want to know, and I’m sure you don’t, either).
 
If you didn’t already know Mastro or Robb, don’t you feel like you do now? They are both really nice guys, so don’t hesitate to say hi to them in Dana, or walking from the Spa to Miller. They’re always looking to make new friends!