Thank God I have a big brother. And on top of that, he’s almost seven years older than I am, which means he’s pretty much taught me everything I know. But he’s also an angel—he sticks up for me to my parents, he helps me with all of my problems, and he calls or texts me every day. (Shout out to my bro, Sam Appleton. Love you, dude). I’m inherently grateful for everything he does for me, but there’s one thing that stands out to me in particular. He has taught me, to the tee, to be one of the bros. And it has been the most important lesson I’ve ever learned. Here’s why.
I know a lot of girls who have a really hard time talking to boys. In fact, you’d be shocked at how many girls ask me how I get along with boys so well. Like it’s some sort phenomenon or something. It’s not. It’s really easy; in fact, you just have to know what to say to which type of guy. And the first step to becoming one of the bros is learning how to talk to them. So I’m going to put together a little guide for you girls so that communicating with boys will become less of an issue. After all, we are the same species, even though sometimes it’s hard to believe.
IF HE AN “I LOVE SPORTS” KIND OF GUY:
Well, this is certainly my specialty because I love sports, probably a lot more than the average girl does. So this type of guy is obviously my favorite. Whoops, probably shouldn’t pick favorites, but at least you girls know I’m honest. Anyway, if he’s a fanatic, talk to him about it. You don’t have to know anything about sports, although I will admit, it does help. If you do know something, tell him what you know. Put it out there that you like the Red Sox or the Redskins or the Redwings. Let him know you love Tom Brady…just don’t tell him it’s because he looks amazing in the Ugg add, and not because he’s the heart of the New England Patriots offense. And if you don’t know anything about sports, ask him which teams he likes, and what sports he enjoys playing. He’ll be able to go on for a long time, trust me.
If he plays a sport, that opens a whole new window for you. Let’s say he plays lacrosse. Don’t know anything about lacrosse? I certainly don’t, probably because Major League Lacrosse isn’t something I used to watch with my father or brother (we stuck to baseball, basketball, football, and hockey). But you can ask him a bunch of questions that show that you’re interested in his involvement with it. What position does he play? What’s it like being on the lacrosse team? How does he prepare for a game?
But let’s say he plays a sport you do know something about—for our purposes, I’ll choose basketball. Then you can ask him all types of questions, and really show him that his interests are important to you. Tell him about how much you hate LeBron James because for him, it’s not about basketball, or the team, it’s about him (OK, I’m a biased Celtics fan). Rave about Blake Griffin’s dunk; show him your Paul Pierce t-shirt; convince him that the Bulls are going to win the NBA championship whenever there’s a season. Tell him why you think the lockout is ridiculous, and if you don’t really understand the lockout, ask him to explain it. Ask him what he thinks about it, when he thinks there will be a season, how he thinks the NBA will bounce back from it. Even if you’re not nearly as passionate as he is, that’s ok. It’s never a bad idea to ask questions about a sport that you don’t understand. Like if you’re thinking about making moves on a hockey player, for example, or you’re really keen on becoming his friend, but you don’t know a thing about the difference between a snap shot, a wrist shot, and a slap shot. No big deal. Have him tell you about it. Ask him to explain icing, or off sides. Don’t worry—he won’t think you’re stupid. In fact, he’ll probably love that you’re taking interest in hockey at all, and he’ll want to get to know you.
IF HE’S A “REAL” MAN:
The “real” man is hyper-masculine. He needs to prove his masculinity to everyone, so you’ve got to keep that in mind when you’re talking to him. Sometimes it’s hard to get these types of guys to open up, but I think I’ve figured them out, at least a little bit. I’d say your safest bet is to talk about cars. Sounds silly, right? But “real” men love cars. Ask them what their dream car is. Ask them what they drive, and whether they like it. Tell them how much you want to be driven around in a Rolls Royce Phantom when you’re the CEO of a major company. Let him know how much you like the Aston Martin that your neighbor drives, and how you’re planning on getting one with your first signing bonus (ok, that’s ridiculous, but whatever. He’ll probably think it’s funny). Ever been to a car show? Tell them about it! Especially if it had girls in bikinis—they’ll eat it up.
And that leads me to the next best topic. Talk to “real” men about girls, because they’re actually pretty hard to deal with romantically—they don’t like to show their feelings, and they can get pretty douchey around girls that they’re after. So especially if you’re just looking to be their friend, tell them about which girls you could see them with, which celebrities you think are beautiful, etc. I have deals with several boys I know that I’ll be their matchmaker (not that they’re douchebags, or anything. I love them dearly)—that is, I’ll find girls I think would be good for them and introduce them to one another. It’s actually kind of funny, and you can even turn it into a game. It’s a way into the friend-zone with a guy; so if that’s not what you’re looking for, avoid that topic of conversation. But I like it that way. Guy friends are really important to have. They give you the best insight on how to be one of the bros.
IF HE’S A HIPSTER:
Probably my least favorite type of guy, but there are some gems out there. Hipsters can get pretty pretentious, so you have to be careful about what you say to them. But there are things you can definitely talk to them about. Like sneakers, particularly Nikes. Hipsters love sneakers. Ask them where they got their shoes. Tell them about the sweet pair of high-top patent leather Jordans you wear once a year.
Or talk to them about clothes in general. Tell them you like their neon skinny jeans, their Rayban Wayfarer glass that they’re wearing, their graphic t-shirt. Tell them about where you shop, what you like to wear. Hipsters are generally fashionistas. Ask them for some tips about thrift store shopping, too. They’re all about the bargains.
Or talk about Hipster rap. Although nothing hurts my ears more than a little Mac Miller or some Chris Webby, I would still ask them to refer me to some “fresh” new rappers. I’m sure they’d be happy to help you, too. But the real way to a Hipster’s heart is to bring back the 90s. Hipsters LOVE 90s rap. Tupac, Biggie, MC Hammer, you name it. Tell them about your favorite party jams—maybe you can find something in common with them. I usually bring up Kanye West, or Lupe Fiasco, because Hipsters tend to like their music. And since that’s something I can agree on with them, I milk it for all it’s worth.
You can also find out some great beers to drink. Hipsters generally like really obscure beers I’ve never heard of. But every time I’ve tried a Hipster recommendation, I’ve liked it a lot. It’s a good icebreaker, and even if they make fun of you for liking Bud Light, just laugh it off and tell them all the reasons you like it. Hey, it’s something to talk about with them, so go for it!
IF HE’S ALL-NEW ENGLAND:
Ah, the ever-present Colby type. Yeah, I grew up in New England—Massachusetts, to be exact (the heart of New England, if you ask me), so I know all about this type. I have to say, they’re hard not to love. But they’re also a pretty homogenous group, which makes it easy to know how to interact with them. If you can talk to one all-New England boy, you can talk to them all.
So here’s how you should start: ask him where he’s from, and what prep school he went to. Even if he didn’t go to one, he’ll definitely know about them. If you’re from New England, then you can talk about where you’re from. He’ll totally know all about it, and probably be pretty interested. You can play the name game, too. That usually works out well. Everybody seems so interconnected at Colby, so I would assume you shouldn’t have a hard time finding someone you know in common. But if you’re not from New England, then it’ll be something new to him. You’d be surprised at how little we New Englanders know about other parts of the country. The Midwest? A mystery. The South? Might as well be China. The West Coast? I don’t even know where to begin—it’s essentially another planet.
Once you’ve moved away from geography, tell him about your Patagonia collection. I personally have so many that I can’t even count. But they’re the most practical jackets in the world, and they’re super cute, so why not tell him about your love for them? I’ll bet he feels the same way about all ten of his, too. See if he’s seen the new collection, and recommend a jacket to him. Tell him what color would look good. He’ll love it.
And if you’ve exhausted the Patagonia discussion, ask him about what he wants to do when he gets older. Talk to him about internships you’re interested in. A lot of all-New England boys have big plans for their future, so show them that you do, too. And ask him what he wants to do, how he plans to get there, etc. He’ll feel like a million bucks, and you’ll be able to sustain a good conversation. Two birds with one stone, if you ask me.
Luckily, a lot of guys are a combination of at least a couple of the types that I mentioned, so you won’t run out of things to talk about as quickly as you may think. There are boys out there who love sports, and are from New England, and like sneakers, and love talking about cars and girls. So figure out what his interests are, and put your own twist on the conversation. But the most important thing to remember when talking to boys is to be you. Once you feel comfortable having conversations with guys, then you can work your way up to being one of the bros. You can do it, ladies. Mark my words; it’s refreshing to take a break from the library on Sunday afternoons to watch a little football with the guys.