TW: Emotional abuse, domestic violence
“Toxic relationship”. This phrase is thrown around quite a bit, and it can be sometimes misunderstood. Social media tends to call everything “toxic”, without truly understanding the meaning of the word. A toxic relationship is not just arguing with your partner, disagreeing, and going over some bumps in the road; you should love your partner, but you might not always like them. That is completely normal. A toxic relationship is much, much more than arguing. And for far too many women and men alike, it is difficult to recognize when a relationship shifts from simple arguing to toxic and emotionally abusive.
In a relationship, abuse sometimes comes on slowly. Ignoring red flags is a mistake that a lot of us have fallen victim to; the mindset that your partner will change or that it was ‘only once!’ is quite common. Here are some telltale signs of toxicity and actual emotional abuse; if these are happening to you, please try to leave.
Controlling who you talk to, what you do, and where you go:
What may begin as your partner being ‘innocently’ jealous of the things you do may turn into them telling you who you can and can’t speak to. controlling you who to talk to can turn into isolation, so that the only person you genuinely have is them, and this lets them have complete power over you. These kinds of partners also may always want to go through your phone and want to constantly know where you are by tracking your phone. They do not want you to talk to others because of their own insecurity and projections of themselves onto you. Often, partners like this talk to whomever they want, go where they want, and do what they want, while still having a hold on what you do. Your partner telling you who to talk to and who not to is a red flag that you should not ignore; they are trying to diminish your individuality.
Lying and gaslighting you:
Lying should be looked at as a red flag. Your partner lying about dozens of small things, or white lies, if you will, is not okay. Small lies can lead to trust issues on your part in the long run, and this can cause almost constant anxiety. It is easy to assume, after being lied to, that if your partner is able to lie to you about small things easily, important things will be lied about as well.
Often, those who lie to their partners also gaslight them. A lot of people do not realize how dangerous gaslighting is and how it can be detrimental to mental health in the long run. Gaslighting is, essentially, making a person question their own sanity by acting like something did not happen when it clearly did. The original example of gaslighting is from a 1944 film, where a husband is constantly dimming and brightening the gas lights in their house, and then telling his wife she is hallucinating — even though he was really doing it. If your partner is telling you things blatantly did not happen, when they really did, you need to get out, ASAP. Gaslighting can also manifest itself as your partner making you feel like you are the problem in every argument, and shifting blame so that they are never wrong — even when they are.
Name calling, yelling, and violence:
Emotional abuse in relationships can also look like name calling and put-downs that make you feel like you are small. Your partner should never make negative comments on your physical appearance, like your body shape or size. Purposely preying on insecurities your partner knows that you have is a huge red flag. Abuse can also look like uncontrollable yelling or screaming during an argument; often, if your partner is raising their voice at you consistently for small things — especially paired with lying, gaslighting, name-calling, control, and put-downs — you need to get out of the relationship. If your partner is uncontrollably angry, this can sometimes result in physical violence or abuse. Physical violence and abuse is more than just hitting; it can be pushing, grabbing you in order to keep you in one spot, not letting you leave a room or a car during an argument, and of course other more ‘classic’ types of violence.
Sexual violence:
Even if you are dating someone, your partner should not be forcing you to do sexual things. Domestic rape is real. Your partner should also not manipulate you, saying things like, “if you loved me, you would ______”. That is abuse, coercion, and assault. Your body is yours and yours only, even if your partner manipulates you to believe otherwise.
Your relationship should not have you constantly questioning your own worth, crying every day, losing your friends and family, and have you in a depressed and anxious mental state. If you are wondering whether your partner will change, they won’t. Abusive tendencies will always come back, no matter how much they say they will change. Long-term effects of emotionally abusive relationships are often overlooked, but staying in that situation is one of the most stressful things in the world. How can someone who you love so much, and who claims to love you, hurt you over and over? It’s an impossible feeling, and unless you have felt this pain, it is incredibly difficult to understand. Emotionally and physically abusive relationships are very, very hard to leave and you are not alone if you are finding yourself in this situation. Life isn’t supposed to be like this or feel like this, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
If you are in an abusive relationship and you need help, refer to the hotline below:
The Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.