We’ve all heard it before.
“Man up.”
“C’mon, grow a pair”
“Quit acting like a girl.”
“Take it like a man.”
Perhaps we’ve even said it before, too. And we generally know it isn’t good, because it degrades women, implying that strength and courage are exclusively masculine qualities. We know that women can be strong- we know strong women, we are strong women.
But how often do we acknowledge that men are allowed to be weak? As a feminist, I realize that women’s issues are men’s issues, too. To be more gender inclusive, and to put it as simply as it really is, human issues are human issues. It’s honestly that easy.
But people still bash feminism for ignoring men’s issues, not realizing that we are also looking at issues concerning the dynamics between genders- again, human issues are human issues. For example, society is less accepting of emotional men than of emotional women. Of course, it’s demeaning to assume that all women are sensitive, but what’s more alarming is that emotional vulnerability is associated with weakness, and therefore, with femininity. And if men feel and express their emotions the way women are stereotyped to, they would be considered feminine which, in our society, is shameful. Men’s suicide rates are 1.8x higher (almost double) than those of women–that’s how stigmatized emotions in men are.
There’s one exception to this emotional dynamic between men and women: the way we express anger. Men tend to channel their other emotions (fear, insecurity, jealousy, sadness) through anger, while women are generally more likely to express anger through other emotions (it’s more passive aggressive). Have you ever noticed that? Perhaps it’s because anger is one emotion that doesn’t make a person seem vulnerable, one that exudes a strength of sorts, one that invokes fear. Women (especially women of color- look at what happened with Serena Williams) can’t express anger without being attacked, and men can’t express anything but anger without risking their valued masculinity.
This is not healthy for anyone. Men that express their feelings through anger and aggression can become mentally, emotionally, or even physically abusive toward others. This is NOT to say that there is ever, ever, ever an excuse or reasonable explanation to inflict harm of any kind upon another person, no matter how severe the inner turmoil (or the inability to deal with the turmoil in a healthy manner) is. But, it’s an example of how allowing men to be vulnerable would benefit all people. While girls are generally raised to be submissive and quiet (ever been told to “act like a lady?”) boys are raised to be strong and assertive, and too often don’t develop the coping mechanisms to handle or even recognize their feelings. We need to raise our little girls and little boys the same way and stop associating certain attributes with the genders. We need to teach them to be both respectful and kind (“act like a lady”) and to be assertive and self-assured (“be a man”). We need to teach them to be strong and to be vulnerable, because admitting and addressing vulnerability is one of the bravest, strongest things a person can do.
For the sake of people of all genders, we need to stop this cycle of toxic masculinity. It’s a societal transformation, of course, and it seems like there’s not much we, as individuals, can do about it. But as women who are both strong and sometimes vulnerable, we won’t just shrug and say, “that’s just the way it is.” We have to power to contribute to change, and maybe we can start by doing away with phrases like “man up”.