I’ve been single for almost a year now.
Before, I had been in two 2-year relationships with only a couple months between each. Figuring out how to be single after about four years of partnership took some getting used to. Both of these relationships I believed were my forever people. I poured my heart and soul into these relationships only to realize they needed to end. Nothing ended poorly, everything on good terms. But I couldn’t help but notice an adjustment period to being single.
These are the things that I learned while I’ve been single. I won’t say that these discoveries are universal because everyone’s experience is different. But maybe some of these will help you feel less alone on your single journey.
1. dont seek out other partners
When I first broke up with my last partner, I was convinced that it was time for me to see other people. I hadn’t gotten to be able to be with anyone I wanted. I was able to talk to someone one minute then someone else the next.
At first, it was thrilling. I felt excited about the opportunities I had. The attention and interest from others fueled me and made me want more. But after talking with someone for a little bit, the feeling left and I felt bored again. I would constantly search for someone new.
Things got dark. I tried Tinder. . .
Finding someone else to fill the whole that your partner left is not the answer. Neither is seeking validation from potential partners. The best thing to do is to hop off the apps and get out of the bars. Stay in by yourself.
2. be by yourself
This leads to my next lesson. LEARN TO BE BY YOURSELF. I wasn’t incapable of being by myself, I quite enjoy time without anyone. But when I would get lonely, that would lead to unhealthy behaviors like seeking out new potential partners. And a new partner isn’t even what I wanted.
Whenever that loneliness creeped in and I would go to text someone, I would stop what I was doing and think. I knew that no matter who I texted, it wouldn’t make me feel better. The best thing for me was to truly be by myself. I had spent so much time being with a partner, that it felt foreign being by myself for long periods of time. I needed to figure out how to be me without needing a partner.
3. reintroduce yourself
#3 and #2 go hand in hand. In order to be content by yourself, you need to know yourself.
In certain relationships, you can become someone different. A completely unknown person to who you were prior to the relationship. The act of reintroducing yourself TO YOURSELF is one of the strongest experiences you can have. Rediscovering who you are as a person when you aren’t connected to a partner is such a freeing and beautiful experience.
I discovered how different I had been while I was in relationships. I was so jealous, insecure, and frustrated that it took such a toll on me. But when I was single and really met myself, I was amazed at how confident I was. I was determined and ambitious. I got more writing done than I ever had. I made strides with my career path. So much progress that I couldn’t have accomplished in a relationship.
4. Friends exist
During my first relationship especially, I was not a good friend. I was so immersed in the world that my partner and I had that I had completely forgot about my OTHER relationships. I recognize now that both platonic and romantic relationships matter equally. But sometimes when we’re so in love or so hurt, we forget that our friends are there for us.
Your friends are your friends for a reason. They’re there for you to lean on.
When I was going through my breakups, my friends were my lifeboat. They were the light at the end of the tunnel. My long distance friends in Charlotte and San Diego who have been by my side since middle school. My friends at college who took me out or stayed in and cried. And of course, my wonderful girls at Her Campus CNU.
5. do not talk to your ex
I’m sure there’s some discourse on this step, but this is what worked for me. In one relationship, I cut off contact with my ex and never looked back. With the other, I attempted to keep our friendship intact. As you can imagine there were complications and friendship didn’t work out.
I find that talking with your ex-partner can cause a world of problems. Just have the ability to contact them was too much for me. In the end, I ended up blocking them both.
To drive the point home, it’s very important to cut the connection between you and your ex in order to be independent people. The relationship is over and you BOTH need time and space to not only process but learn to be without each other.
6. Reflect
ONCE YOU ARE READY. . . as in ONCE YOU ARE THROUGH THE WORST. . . reflect on how you feel. What was the relationship like for you? What would you want to do differently in your next relationship?
You may also evaluate your partner. What things about them did you like or dislike? How would your experience with this person change you view on another potential partner?
There’s a lot you can learn from looking back on your relationship. Good and bad. Sometimes gray areas that might take time to process. But it’s part of healing. Being single this past year has given me so much time to think about how my past experiences will help me in my next relationship.