The long awaited Avengers: Endgame came out earlier this month. I was immediately exposed to a bunch of spoilers due to the foolish decision of both going on the Internet and existing in the world. Based on these spoilers, I’ve constructed a 100% accurate narrative in my head for the original six Avengers, which I present for your reading pleasure. (Spoiler Warning: I mean, obviously. Did you read the title?)
1. Tony Stark
Tony sits on a space ship playing Go Fish with Nebula.
“Okay, here’s the game plan,” he says. “We’re gonna head back to Earth. I’m going to have some reunions. You’re going to mourn the death of your sister in the background. Then I’m going to travel back in time with some friends of mine and absolutely decimate the timeline beyond repair, but it’ll be okay because of plot reasons. Then I’ll get a hot new accessory known as the infinity gauntlet, which will fit very nicely into my red and gold color scheme. If I’m bored I might kill Thanos, I haven’t decided yet. And after that, my contract is up, so I’m going to die for maximum drama and tears.”
“I wish I threw you out of the airlock,” Nebula says.
“Sorry, I didn’t catch that, what did you say?
“Do you have any threes?”
2. Steve Rogers
Steve is at a support group meeting, sitting in a circle of people.
“You know who I wish was here right now?” Steve asks.
“Your childhood best friend Bucky Barnes, who you were willing to die for?” asks one person.
“Your dear friend Sam Wilson, who helped you when no one else could?” asks another.
“No, I don’t care about them,” Steve says. “I miss the woman I knew for a week back in the 1930s. I’m going to go back in time and marry her.”
“Oh, and while you’re back there you can save your Bucky from torture, right?” One person asks. “And make sure Hydra doesn’t infiltrate SHIELD, save Howard Stark’s life, and just generally change the course of history for the better?”
“Nope,” Steve says, then warps back in time to hide in Peggy’s basement for seventy years.
“Didn’t he make out with Peggy’s niece?” a support group member asks. The room shrugs.
Thor sits on the floor of a one-bedroom apartment playing Fortnite. He is surrounded by crumpled Dorito bags and empty beer bottles. His hair is a abomination in the eyes of both God and the devil.
“Jesus Christ, Thor, what happened to you?” Valkryie asks. “I mean, the beer I can respect, but that hair? Seriously?”
“I watched my brother get choked to death, my entire family has died, and the people I swore to protect were slaughtered en masse,” Thor says. “I’m dealing with immense grief, guilt, and trauma. I’m turning to unorthodox coping mechanisms in an attempt to deal with the crushing miasma of emotions that haunts me night and day.”
“Oh,” Valkyrie says.
“But most importantly,” Thor says, “My CGI potbelly is perfect comic relief.”
“That all makes sense,” Valkyrie says. “But I still don’t understand what happened to your beautiful hair?”
“That’s not my hair, that’s Rocket’s garbage nest.”
“Sup,” says Rocket, climbing out of his nest to look at Valkyrie.
“Screw this, I’m going back to Sakaar.”
4. Bruce Banner
“Hulk no smash no more,” Hulk says. “Hulk….SCIENCE!”
He whips on a pair of glasses.
“Jesus, Bruce,” Tony says. “We left you alone for three minutes and you merged with the Hulk? This is why you never got a solo movie.”
5. Clint Barton (Hawkeye)
Clint is at a hunting store, piling arrows on top of the checkout desk. The cashier, a pimply teenager, eyes him nervously.
“I’ll be paying with cash today,” Clint says.
“Uh, Mr. Eye—“
“Please, call me Hawk.”
“Ok, Hawk, why do you need all these extra arrows?” The cashier asks. “Your bimonthly delivery of 10,000 arrows arrived only three days ago.”
“My family all died,” he says. “So now I have to travel to foreign countries and murder a bunch of people, and I need more arrows to do it.”
“Do you have to murder people? Is that really something you have to do?”
“If you don’t start ringing me up I’ll start my murder spree right now.”
“$7.50 an hour is not enough for this shit,” the cashier says, and rings him up.
6. Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow)
Natasha shoots a gun. She quirks her lips at the camera. She says a witty one liner. She dies.
“When is Loki coming back?” asks an audience member.
How accurate was I? Don’t tell me, because I don’t want to know. I’d rather live in my pre-endgame bliss where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter.