We all have that experience where we wish we could be inside a movie. Sometimes you want to help the protagonist. Sometimes you want to save a side character’s life. And sometimes you really wanna beat a character up.
I recently rewatched several Pixar films, and felt that familiar rage rise inside me. I’ve thought about it some more, and I’ve decided that I could beat up all the main Pixar villains. Don’t believe me? I have proof.
- Sid (Toy Story, 1995)
https://pixar-planet.fr/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/sid-phillips-personnage-toy-story-08.jpg
Sid is quite literally eleven years old. He’s a weird, goth eleven year old, but still. He can probably get a few good kicks in due to the innate rage that comes with being in sixth grade, but I would be able to overpower him eventually. Plus, if all else fails, I can throw a toy at him and make him relive a deeply unsettling trauma. It’s not moral or empathetic, but it helps me win, which is what really matters in life.
- Hopper (A Bug’s Life, 1998)
https://statici.behindthevoiceactors.com/behindthevoiceactors/_img/chars/hopper-a-bugs-life-4.94.jpg
Do I even have to go into this? He’s a grasshopper. I have a boot. Do the math.
- Stinky Pete (Toy Story 2, 1999)
Another easy win. Stinky Pete freezes whenever humans get close. I’d just wrench him from the hands of his new owner and chuck him into the nearest giant trash furnace.
- Randall (Monsters, Inc., 2001)
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/4f/00/44/4f0044e4442366f24a0089738521ae4c.jpg
This one might be a little tougher. He’s a monster with an incredible ability of camouflage, and he’s not afraid to fight dirty. However, as established in Monsters University, he’s squinting all the time because he’s supposed to be wearing glasses. His eyesight sucks. I’ll just dig a really deep pit, wait until he falls into it, and then flawlessly execute a daring aerial attack.
- Syndrome (The Incredibles, 2004)
Syndrome has incredible technology and has murdered dozens of superheroes; a direct attack wouldn’t work. I’d have to play a long con, working my way into his good graces with the help of my trusted ally Mirage. Then, when he’s least expecting it, I’ll shoulder bump him into his walls of lava. That’s what you get for being a show-off and building your lair inside a volcano.
- Chick Hicks (Cars, 2006)
Chick would be too freaked out by my contorted, fleshy form to be able to fight back. I could put a baseball bat through his windshield in three seconds flat.
- Chef Skinner (Ratatouille, 2007)
Chef Skinner committed the ultimate crime of not wanting a rat in the kitchen of a fancy restaurant. For this, he must pay. I’d play a game of psychological warfare, wearing him down over a period of months by convincing him I also have a rat controlling my every move. Most people have rats. Maybe he, too, is controlled by an almighty puppet master rat. I’ll wait until his mental torment reaches its peak, then strike.
- Auto (WALL-E, 2008)
I’d unplug him and plug him back in again.
- Charles Muntz (Up, 2009)
Muntz is 92 years old. I’ll kick him in the back of the knees and he’ll hit the ground like a felled tree. His hip will dislocate. His dentures will fall out. I’ll make several insensitive life-alert jokes, then kick him again.
- Lotso (Toy Story 3, 2010)
Like Stinky Pete, Lotso freezes whenever a human is in sight. I’ll just ask the nice truckers from the movie if I can practice my aim with my BB gun on the toy strapped to their grille.
- Mor’Du (Brave, 2012)
I am aware that Mor’du is a giant, evil demon bear. I know it may be hard to believe that I could beat him up. But also consider, he lives in medieval Scotland. I live in the 21st century. I have technology.
I’ll hit him really hard over the head with a computer.
- Ernesto de la Cruz (November 22, 2017)
Ernesto de la Cruz has one major weakness: he’s literally dead. I can dig up his bones and drop as many bells on them as I want.
Next up, Pixar heroes, and how I could totally beat them up too. Just because you’re the good guys doesn’t mean you’re safe from my fists.