15. Grip grass
Have you ever groaned about the fact that your current pencil container is too logical and convenient? Then grip grass is for you! It’s just like regular grass, except worse in every way.
14. $25 Pen
On Amazon, you can get a 36 Bic pens for $5. According to a trusted source known as my phone’s calculator, that equals out to 14 cents a pen. The CMU bookstore offers the once in a lifetime deal of $25 for a single pen. You can either get one CMU pen or 180 bic pens. But the choice is not as easy as you might think; the CMU pen also comes with a snazzy looking box. Choose carefully.
13. Ice Bucket
As we all know, college students suffer from a surplus of both ice and disposable income. Solve both of these problems with the incredibly useful CMU ice bucket.
12. Hedgehog dental floss
Like most people, I am consistently disappointed by the lack of woodland creatures in my bathroom. Luckily, this adorable hedgehog floss will solve that problem as well as my horrible case of gingivitis.
11. Einstein Money Bank
If you’ve ever wanted to insert small metal objects into a famous person’s head, you should either become an assassin or buy this Einstein money bank.
10. The Book Lamp
This adorable little lamp brings you one step closer to your dream of recreating that Pixar animation in stop motion.
9. Triceratops eraser
Can you imagine whipping a six-inch long triceratops out during a test? There’s a 100% probability that it will tear the paper, but c’mon, it’s worth it.
8. Carnegie Mellon Quarter Zip
This is comfortable, fashionable, and shows off your CMU pride. There’s no joke here, I actually kind of want one of these.
7. Train bookends
Use these to prop up your incredibly expensive textbooks that you used once! For no extra charge, they can also double as a metaphor for how your life is a train wreck.
6. Drowning in Debt Salt and Pepper Shakers
The incredible irony of asking people to pay money for something that represents their crushing debt makes these salt and pepper shakers worth every cent.
5. Scottie Dog Soap
If you’ve ever wanted to rub a representation of your school over your naked body, you should probably seek help. But first buy this block of soap in the shape of a Scottie dog, because even the most disturbing desires in today’s society can and will be profited from.
4. Magnetic Minute Hourglass
Whenever someone says, “It’ll just take a minute,” you can take this out and flip it over while maintaining steady and uncomfortable eye contact. You may have fewer friends, but your time management will be so much more efficient!
3. Stuffed Ada Lovelace
This stuffed Ada Lovelace gives you the opportunity to cuddle with the famed nineteenth century mathematician without the embarrassment of having to order a custom body pillow off a sketchy website.
2. Fake Gourd from the Fall Display
Just straight up steal decorations from the school store. Shove a pumpkin in your backpack. Do it.
1. Giant Scottie Dog
To be perfectly honest, I don’t know if this giant stuffed Scottie is actually for sale. It could be decoration. It could be a valued employee. It could be a monument to the folly of man. However, I think the most likely explanation is that he is an ancient god that comes to life at night in some kind of Night at the Museum situation. Those soulful eyes have seen empires rise and fall, and now he sits and judges your purchases at the CMU bookstore. For his sake, let those purchases be exciting.