1. Anyone whose name contains a word that’s definitely not a name. Examples: “Danny Bonnaroo” or “Keith Awesome.” If you were so awesome, we would have kept in touch, and I would have replaced Awesome with a last name by now.
2. Your ex-roommate/suitemate/neighbor who turned out to be the spawn of Satan. If the fact that you avoid each other like the plague now isn’t reason enough, let the very real risk of accidentally calling them convince you.
3. Any of your exes. Motivation: the awkward encounters you’ve had since your breakup, including seeing him on dates with other people. If you’re under the impression that you’re still “friends” and that you can handle his existence in your phonebook, you may want to reconsider after one too many “why didn’t we work out?” conversations fueled by tequila.
4. Fast Food Chains. Wait, you don’t have those in your phone…? This just got weird.
5. Anyone whose name you literally do not recognize. Who are you? Do I know you? How did you get in here? Don’t answer that.
6. Someone you struck up conversation with in an airport while waiting for your delayed flight. I can barely deal with your wedding pictures on my newsfeed, why would I ever call you? On second thought, whose idea was it to be Facebook friends?
7. Your ex-therapist, old boss, and weird coworkers. Again, this goes back to having numbers in your phone that anyone could accidentally call, especially on birthdays – “let’s call the 22nd person in your phone!!!” You’ll need some damage control.
8. The friend who “missed class cause she was sick…” three days a week. Every time this person texts you (which is always one to two days before the test), you’ll have to ask who it is. After about 3 times, they should get the message. Sure, you might burn a bridge, but any friend who only calls you when they need something isn’t really a friend.
9. Your ex-boyfriend’s mom. Do I really have to explain this?
10. Last but not least, fraternity drivers from more than a semester ago. You will usually recognize these as “Jacob Driver [Fraternity name here].” Never a last name, of course, and you may even have flashbacks to sitting in the back of a truck on a chilly night as you delete it. Fraternities get new pledges each semester, so those numbers in your phone are now brothers who wouldn’t love being asked to take you to the Skrill-Panda-Dubstep-apalooza after pregaming at Crawford.