Although it’s common knowledge that all guys are the same (I’ll admit it), on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and the occasional Tuesday/Wednesday nights, we separate into different species. The loudmouth you know from Sociology is zoning in on texting some girl while the quiet kid in your lab group just shot-gunned a beer from on-top of the pool table. Here’s my guide for how to handle the different types of guys you might see when you go out.
Sober Steve
Whether it’s a D.D. or a kid who just doesn’t want to destroy his security deposit in one night, this kid has stepped up big, and you better appreciate him for it.
Do: Remember your please and thank you’s. Remember this kid is sober; he will remember you were being a full blown drunk bitch.
Don’t: Try to pull strings. If the party is closed, accept it… unless you’re hot. Same goes with getting a ride to fraternity parties, there’s protocol on that. Bros >hoes. Don’t blame me I didn’t make it up.
Hook Up Factor: 0-1. This guys on full on safety patrol right now. He just broke up a fight, sent three drunk girls home, and now has to deal with Clemson’s finest: the cops. Sorry sweetheart, but he’s got no time for you. Also you are drunk and he’s sober- that’s just awkward for both parties.
Mr. Jock
Calm yourself- Sammy didn’t just roll up to the house. I’m talking about Mr. Competitive over there who hasn’t left the table all night. This kid is on a roll and will not turn his head away from the action.
Do: Play a game with him, but only if you’ve got some skill. We like when girls play with us, but there’s nothing worse then when Katie just can’t flip her damn cup.
Don’t: Be his personal cheerleader all night; it will only feed his ego more and we can’t hear another “Yo dude I ran the tables last night and hooked up with that girl,” cause ya know what bro? We’ve all done it too.
Hook Up Factor: 7-8. This guys is a competitor- naturally he likes to score.
Sap in the Corner
You are having a great time at the party when while on your way to the bathroom you discover this mope in the corner. Despite everyone else’s good mood, this guy is giving off a face that everyone wants to give to a Parking Services worker. He’s glued to his phone except for when he’s throwing it at the wall.
Do: Acknowledge him. He may have completely just zoned out and all he needs is to snap back into the party.
Don’t: Baby him and ask him what’s wrong. No guy likes being emasculated. And do you really want to talk about some other girl if you’re trying to hook up with me, c’mon.
Hook Up Factor: Solid 5. It could honestly go either way. He could continue to sulk or go for the full-blown revenge hookup. Either way its worth pursuing.
Dancefloor Disaster
You can spot him from a mile away, and as his name suggests, this kid is a disaster. He’s bantering in mumbled Neanderthal and sways like he just got off of the Tilt-A-Whirl at the county fair.
Do: Get in his range. Behind all that madness, he might just be a nice guy.
Don’t: Be condescending. We all have those nights.
Hookup: 11 or 3. The 11 is if you go for the DFMO route and I suggest that you go for it- ultimately these mean nothing in life. The 3 is for the slight chance he falls asleep or has to vomit while dancing.
Social Butterfly
You’ve heard of this guy, you’ve got tons of mutual friends and you’ve for sure FB creeped on him several times. He’s charming, funny, good looking and talks to anyone and everyone who walks into the party. Any night is the night to make a new friend or find a new hook up.
Do: Introduce yourself and talk for a bit. Not matter what this kid wants to meet you.
Don’t: Talk about people who aren’t there. As soon as we meet you, we don’t care about your friends. Also, don’t introduce yourself by association. There’s othing worse than a girl whose first words are “Hi, I’m Mary, I’m a PiPhi”. You are superficial and I hate you.
Hook Up Factor: 9-10. This guy is one of those guys you just can’t resist.
Photo Sources:
http://theblogthatmademilwaukeefamous.wordpress.com/2010/01/29/taking-something-you-dont-care-about-and-making-it-fun/
http://content.hollywire.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/john-mayer-drunk-dancing-man-in-the-mirror.jpg
http://community.flixster.com/photos/jonathan-bennett-mean-girls-jonathan-bennett-love-ya-8314329?gallery=movie-10075
http://whorecrux.tumblr.com/post/401501170/cheer-up-boys
http://alternatebinkyality.wordpress.com/tag/cory-monteith/