I love Halloween and I love following politics. So here’s my take on each of the 2020 Democratic Primary Presidential Candidates as Halloween Candy.
- Joe Biden (Former Vice President)
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Werther’s Original (credit to the friend in my English class)- they’re fine, but you kind of feel like you’ve had them a million times and they’re not special or interesting and don’t really cut it.
- Cory Booker
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Nerds- The man said that vegetables were his comfort food.
- Pete Buttigieg
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Skittles- the slogan may be “Taste the Rainbow” but not all of the rainbow is sold and sometimes people forget that that is the slogan. Also, they keep changing the flavors and it’s a little jarring. Apparently, they’re centrist now?
- Julian Castro
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Milky Way- you tend to forget that this one exists, it’s fine but you can’t always remember what’s in it, and for some reason, it just seems like a lot when you try it.
- Kamala Harris
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Sour Patch Kids- First she was sour, then she tried being sweeter, and then Joe Biden called her kid and now she seems to be gone.
- Tulsi Gabbard
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Gum Drops- you think it could be a good time but then you realize there’s a reason why it seems to align with older values and has a problematic past. Also, sometimes you wonder if she even identifies with Hallowen candy and why she’s taking weird meetings with dictators.
- Amy Klobuchar (Senator from Minnesota)
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York Peppermint Candy- because it makes you feel the sensation of cold, just like thinking of Minnesota.
- Beto O’Rourke (Former Representative from Texas’s 16th District)
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Sixlets- honestly, pretty good, and willing to go places where other candies don’t, but it’s honestly just not as good as other options. Sure, we’d all prefer it over Circus Peanuts (Noxious, artificial, and gross- Ted Cruz) but that doesn’t mean that it’s the candy that we want to commit to rooting for. They’re also kind of one-note.
- Bernie Sanders (Senator from Vermont)
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Tootsie Rolls- a solid candy, good but not incredible. You don’t think that very many people will really choose it as their favorite simply because there has been so much evolution and creativity since it came onto the scene.
- Tom Steyer (Billionaire)
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Pretzels. Who? Why? Who asked for this? What kind of moralizing, asshole move is giving pretzels instead of candy? Is it worse than buying your way onto a debate stage because you’re a billionaire? Jury is still out.
- Elizabeth Warren (Senator from Massachusetts)
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Twix- so good, it feels like there should be a trick. People keep trying to undermine it as too basic or boring but it’s honestly really good on substance. There’s some controversy, but most of it has been dealt with and apologized for.
- Andrew Yang (Founder of Venture for America)
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Payday, because giving us a “Freedom Dividend” is the pretty much the only policy he’s got and he turned an opening statement into a sweepstakes.
- Honorable Mention: Marianne Williamson (Spiritual Advisor)
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Pixy Stix- I couldn’t include her in the rest of the list because she wasn’t a part of the October debates but she is so clearly Pixy Stix. You know that they’re bad for you. You know that they would probably destroy you if you committed to them for four years, but also, they’re so entertaining, in small amounts.
This article is intended as comedy and does not represent the opinions of Her Campus or Her Campus Clark. It can best be described as a hyperbole of the author’s opinions.