I woke up this morning smiling, I rolled over and kissed my boyfriend good morning. I was tired, I knew it would only get worse as I called my doctor’s office again. I had to go in today, for a new implant in my arm, but I knew that wouldn’t be the worst of it. My boyfriend went off to class, without me, as I showered and curled my hair. I looked at myself in the mirror and tried not to cry, knowing for one hundred percent this would be the last day with all of my hair. I smiled as I got in the car with my best friend, he laughed at how I was smiling, like a “dork”. Sure we didn’t talk the whole way, but I still smiled at him, smiled to assure everything was okay.
Smiling is all I had today, I had to smile. He held my hand as I screamed in pain as an implant was placed in my arm. We got sullen together, holding hands, as I was told good luck in my chemo treatments. We decided to ignore the hurt we both felt and laughed along in the car. We danced and laughed over things we do every day, but I went quiet, knowing it was my last hour of “normal”. He pulled at my hair some and went “I am so taking pictures of you and calling you Caillou” (in case you don’t know a very, very annoying cartoon character for children.)
We got lunch, to take back to the room, still laughing because I can’t carry anything without spilling it. We got quiet again, once we picked up my pills. He wished my luck as I swallowed my first treatment, a last ditch effort to keep my uterus and ovaries. Today I started a chemo therapy treatment. Today was my first day of 90 where I will be over the toilet throwing up before sleeping for six hours. Today was my first day was gagging the second I smelled food and running into the bathroom. Today was the last day I will keep my hair, all of my hair. The average for the treatment I am taking, is three weeks before I lose all my hair.
I will admit, I want to cry, I want to scream, and I want to beg for the treatment to stop on day one. I smile though, I know I will smile the entire way through treatments because smiling is the way to make it happen. I made all of my friends take photos with me today in case I don’t look the same tomorrow, or next week, or in a year. I made jokes as I was gagging with my boyfriend saying “man, I guess I will lose some weight.” Making both off us laugh will be the best medicine I decided when I was told about my treatment on Tuesday.
Here is to all my sisters and brothers who have just started their day the way I did, by celebrating the future, even if it was a day of lasts for a while. Here is to the next ninety days of vomit, discomfort, but helping be cured. To everyone: stay strong and laugh. To those around me, smile at me, but please do not pity me. Please continue to include me, but please do not expect me to show up to everything. Most importantly, talk to me please. Call me, text me, skype me, even if I am throwing up or tired I would love to hear from you because friends and family are what get us through the tough times.