Weaknesses can make you strong, but only if you face them, rather than run from them.
For so long (until last month, to be exact), I looked at my life through the lens of my past. I attributed the way I moved through life to things that had happened to me. Yes, things did happen, and yes, those situations affected me. However, I took those past circumstances to the extreme. I let them define me. I placed the responsibility outside of myself craving validation so I would feel somewhat okay.
It made me feel like my actions were justified.
They weren’t.
I got slapped across the face (and then some) when I finally found, and lost, an incredibly special friend. The reason? I had set my expectations of people so high that I didn’t even know what they were. I relied on friends to “fix” something that had always been an inside job – my relationship with myself (which I was avoiding). I was continuing to cycle through the same patterns of behavior over and over, and I really didn’t know how to stop. She couldn’t take it, and I don’t blame her. Neither could I.
Quite frankly, I had spiraled out of control.
In life, it is so easy to get mad at someone when they do something that doesn’t align with your agenda, or something that makes you question yourself. It would be so easy to write her off as “another friend who left” and fall back into the victim mindset, but that simply isn’t the truth.
The truth is, she was (and is) an incredible friend. She always has been. She did the right thing by standing up for her own needs, and I respect her for that. It sounds strange, but I am truly grateful for what she did, because it was necessary.
As soon as we stopped talking, something clicked in me that never had before: I am the creator of my reality. I am responsible for this. I lost someone who had been nothing but good to me, and that just simply was NOT okay.
It was a really difficult, and incredibly painful, realization to have. However, I was willing to feel those intense emotions for the first time, because I was so upset that I had somehow made my friend feel like she couldn’t meet my expectations, when, in my eyes, she was one of the best friends I had ever had. I wasn’t the “fixer” anymore, like I always tried to be. Instead, I damaged a relationship that meant the world to me.
I knew I had to make a change. It was no longer just an option.
Before long, my sadness turned to rage – not at her, but at the voice in my head that had let my emotions get so out of hand.
Over the past month, I have become completely honest with myself, and put everything on the table. I am more willing than ever to take responsibility for my life and the way I think, and will use all the tools I have to grow. I am willing to admit my flaws publicly, because I am no longer ashamed of them. They are not me, but I AM the one who let them manifest, and therefore, I alone am responsible for conquering them. I am fighting my demons with all I have, and I am proud of that. I will do everything in my power to face myself head-on and become the person I am meant to be. I owe it to myself, and I owe it to the people in my life that I have hurt or taken for granted.
I don’t believe that people are simply “lessons.” People are people, and I’m not going to let go and forget just because I have growing to do. I am going to fight to make things right, because I know I have it in me to turn this thing around.
And to my friend: I hope you know that you did the right thing. To this day, you remain one of the best friends I have ever had. You always will be. No distance, time, or circumstance will ever change that. I am confident that one day things can be better between us, because our friendship is beautiful and much stronger than this. No matter what happens, I will always be thankful that you gave me the wake-up call that no one else had the guts to give me.
You didn’t enable me; you empowered me. Thank you.
I am no victim. No more running to others in order to run away from myself.