Name: Robert Schultz
Age: 21
Hometown: St. Louis, MO
Class: 2017
Major: Political Science
Campus Activities: Improv Inc.
Relationship Status: So Single. Big Time Single. I’m so Alone. Help.
If you could say one thing to your parents right now, what would it be?
The dent in the Explorer wasn’t there because the cleaning lady backed into it. It’s there because I forgot to put it in park and it ran into a fence.
Who are your role models?
Carrie from Sex and the City, Miranda from Sex and the City, and Samantha from Sex and the City. But not Charlotte. Charlotte’s got to live a little bit. Cut loose, Charlotte.
What’s your favorite movie?
Grown Ups 1. NOT Grown Ups 2. Grown Ups 1 came from the heart. Grown Ups 2 was corporate crap.
Why did you choose Chapman?
Because USC was just too icky and prestigious.
What’s your dream job?
Ventriloquist taxidermist. Synergy.
How would you describe your style?
Cheating boyfriend in a Carrie Underwood music video.
Describe your perfect date.
A perfect date for me is spontaneous. A girl and I are at a cafe. We order some exotic food. We comment that it would be better if we went to the source. We lock eyes and dash to the airport in unison. We board a flight to Bogata. Trusting each other and having no plan, we ask a stranger where the best place to get some food is. He takes us down into the sewers. We find a local militia. They’re handing out guns and we dont know what for. We’re spontaneous, we’re living in the moment. We each take one. See where this goes. Just as our new found compatriots breech into the streets yelling, “viva Columbia”. My lover and I turn to each other. We kiss with a passion so great that it alone is strong enough to bring nations to their knees. Or like, ya know, Netflix and chill.
Why would a girl want to date you?
I once high-fived a Pike. That’s gotta count for something.