3:30 p.m. — Ow! Was that? Oh, you rolled a round hairbrush into my scalp thinking that it would curl my hair like a curler? That’s… funny. Just take it out, okay?
3:45 p.m. — Wait, this is actually so funny! Let me take a few videos for Snapchat. Oh, here, said person who stuck hairbrush into my scalp, come pose with me for a picture with this brush hanging off of my head!
4:01 p.m. — Okay, so why isn’t it out yet? It’s been 15 minutes. Also, why isn’t my roommate home yet? She told me she would be home at 4, and I kind of need a girl’s advice on how to remove this from my head. Sure, Google could probably help me, but I really would like some moral support in this extreme time of need.
4:15 p.m. — I’m starting to get really overwhelmed by the fact that there are three very concerned-looking girls hovering over me telling me that a chunk of my hair may need to be cut away from my scalp. I’m not sad, I’m furious!!!
4:30 p.m. — I’m really cold. Why am I standing outside in the grass outside of my dorm wearing a tanktop and letting coconut oil be poured onto my head? Oh yeah. There’s a brush stuck to it.
4:45 p.m. — They’re telling me things are getting better but they’re also doing weird things like bringing out other types of conditioner and using bobby pins to pry hair out of the brush so… I’m not sure. Also my roommate is still claiming that we may need to bring out the scissors.
5 p.m. — The tears are flowing!!! The TEARS ARE FLOWING!!! My friend just suggested that hairbrushes be made with retractable bristles and I’ve never been so proud of her. Omg, guys, remember two hours ago when I looked really good and filled in my eyebrows? HAHA THAT’S A FUNNY JOKE, LOOK AT ME NOW!
(Here’s me feeling really good about life maybe 15 minutes before “the incident.”)
5:15 p.m. — I’ve lost all hope of surviving this. My scalp feels like it’s bleeding, and ALSO my expensive hairbrush literally was just SNAPPED IN HALF. Why is the pain level 10/10 even though there are girls pushing their palms into my head so the pain is more bearable while they rip at my hair? I’m gritting my teeth so hard they’re going numb.
5:30 p.m. — I’m hearing really dangerous things such as: ‘Oh, if we twist upwards and then pull, maybe we can loosen up this matted area?’ But I’m also hearing kind of good things like ‘Pyper, you’re doing great. We’ve gotten the top half done!’
5:45 p.m. — My vision is entirely blurry because I’m bawling. My roommate just ripped the hairbrush from my head and she’s yelling in my face and also sobbing. She yells, ‘I feel like we just birthed our first child!’ And then I knew everything would be okay.
6 p.m. — I’m standing in the shower, pulling a wet brush through a disgusting tangled mess of hair covered in conditioner and dried up coconut oil. I’m also crying because how did I survive this nightmare? Who knows. I’m in pain. Time to take a few Advil.