Now many if not all of us are guilty of falling a little too head-over-heels into a new relationship. You know the feeling: walking to class in a daze, thinking about that cute thing he said when he kissed you goodnight, the way his cheeks flush in the cold, listening to so much Taylor Swift it would make a fifteen year-old girl tell you to grow up… yeah, you know what I’m talking about. Experts even say this stage of a relationship is similar to cocaine intoxication.
What we often overlook when we are walking on our cloud of ecstasy and butterfly kisses is that underneath the cloud we are traversing a tightrope perilously suspended over the dreaded lands of Clingtopia, better known as the stomping grounds of the gruesome creature “The Boyfriend-Girl.”
One misstep and you will plunge into the realm of the horrible monster only to get bitten and become one of them, canceling dates with friends because you “don’t feel like it,” watching the big game instead of Ben’s season of the Bachelor (so happy it’s him by the way), and finding yourself looking for any possible segue into mentioning him. “Did you see that tree over there? Charles has a tree just like that in his front yard. So funny.” Vomit.
What I am going to do for the good of girl-kind is to help identify the four most dangerous species of Boyfriend-Girls, and offer some ways to reverse the symptoms. But be careful in approaching these creatures as they are infected with love and may do anything.
1.The Perpetual Lounger
Level of Danger: Relatively Harmless
Symptoms: Consistent, even impressive procession of sweatpant jumpsuits, over-sized tees and poop-shaped buns worn in a fashion that suggests, “I am so in love that external validation does not interest me. Eat my messy bun.” These types of Boyfriend-Girls do no harm to others, only to themselves. They typically don’t pop up until the relationship matures into its fifth month; be especially worried if they appear before then… this is maladaptive behavior and should be treated with a deep cleanse, some eye-brow plucking and any clothes that hold general shape.
2. The Appendage
Level of Danger: Intermediate
Symptoms: Attached to Boyfriend’s arm, torso, or pinky (its most dangerous form). You never see her without him right there, which results in his being a sounding board for all things you tell her, regardless of whether or not you acknowledge his ever-frustrating presence. This is particularly dangerous if she starts relaying his advice to you about a particularly personal thing you told her, or if the only way you can speak to her alone is if you go to the bathroom together. This should be treated with a Ryan Gosling movie marathon. She will be defenseless against all the beauty that he is and Boyfriend will inevitably find something else to do. You’ve successfully detached them.
3.The Baby Talker
Level of Danger: Moderate
Symptoms: Self-Explanatory. It’s just annoying. The most dangerous form is when there are motions to accompany the voice. “Does she know he can eat by himself?” you ask yourself in mounting frustration. Best way to combat this one is to make a loud screeching noise every time her voice raises an octave. She will hate it so much she will stop. It’s called classical conditioning and it works for dogs.
4. The Mom aka The Cleaner
Level of Danger: High Alert.
Symptoms: She seems to have been possessed by some Martha Stewart / June Cleaver hybrid that believes her utmost value to Boyfriend is making his life as regal and privileged as possible. “No, no! Johnny can’t do his laundry! Have you seen the way he puts the whites in with the grays? If I love him I have to preserve the integrity of his undershirts.” Be on the lookout for sheepish shielding of clothes at the washer or meticulous folding. Also, if she starts buying an extensive amount of meats and marinades be very afraid. This is the most appalling and repugnant species of the Boyfriend-Girl and requires special care when attempting to treat. Ask her first what is wrong with his motor skills. Did he break all of his fingers playing Xbox Live? If he did, skip right to the hugging and comforting part of this intervention. If not, ask her what’s wrong with her sense of worth. Then secretly put his blacks in with his whites and press start. Her horror should bring her to her senses.
If you recognize any of these symptoms in you or any of your friends, don’t be a hero. Get help. Fast.
Source: Psychology Today, February 2012 Issue
Images: Kissy Face (photo): bluntmonkey.wordpress.com
Clingy Girl (photo): rom-coms.blogspot.com
UggsnSweats (photo): hercampus.com
This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Chapel Hill chapter.