While my last two articles have been a light read this one is a personal story that may be hard for some people to read. I am going to talk in depth about something that still today is considered taboo and misunderstood: living with a mental illness. My story with mental illness involves how my life changed one year ago this week when I had a nervous breakdown during finals and was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), high anxiety, and depression. I had always been a nervous child growing up; it ran in my family so I did not think much about constant worrying and having high anxiety. OCD also runs in my family, the difference is my family members who suffer from the illness show more ritualistic tendencies, while my OCD manifests itself in constant thoughts or loops in my head. I never thought that the agony I was in was OCD and that it needed to be treated by a professional.
When my breakdown occurred last December I thought things would never be the same. I couldn’t eat, I wasn’t sleeping and I was constantly worrying about irrational fears. Every moment of my life was pure agony and I didn’t understand how things could change so quickly. My understanding of OCD was that its onset occurred in childhood, but that is not the case. Most people are diagnosed with OCD in their early- to mid-twenties. I was twenty when I was diagnosed, so I was the perfect age for this genetic mental illness to begin. I am not saying this to try and scare anyone, I just want to inform my readers that if you are becoming more anxious or begin having irrational fears, you should go and talk to someone. I waited until I broke and it was much harder to recover as a result. If you catch the symptoms in time, OCD and anxiety are very manageable.
For the past year I have been slowly putting my life back together with the help of my amazing friends and family. When I first was diagnosed I was afraid to tell my friends fearing that they might think I was crazy. However this did not happen, my roommates at the time Ashley, Kathleen and Marcie were there for me and for that I will never truly be able to say thank you enough. Their love and support got me through a lot of dark times when I didn’t know what to do. My family was also crucial in my recovery, my cousin Laura, who is more like a sister than a cousin, has for the past year called/texted me weekly to let me know that she is here for me and there if I ever need her. For that I want to say thank you Laura, you have been a pillar of strength for me over the past year. I also have to thank my parents. They don’t always know what to say and sometimes they make things worse, but it’s important to remember that family and friends don’t know what you are going through so it is important to recognize when they are trying and appreciate that they are there.
Now that I have been able to thank the people who have been there for me, (and by the way there are many more people, they know who they are) I would like to offer some advice to anyone who is going through this struggle currently or knows someone who is. The mental form of OCD is very hard for other people to understand — even those closest to us. This disease manifests itself in your mind, and no one besides you knows what is going on in your head. There are pictures taken of me below where I look fine and happy but on the inside I was stuck in my head in a constant hell, and nobody knew. OCD is hard to explain to people who don’t suffer from the disease. Know that if you suffer from OCD there are people who understand what you are going through. You may feel as though you are alone in the beginning but that is not true. You are strong and you can learn to live with OCD and over time go back to the person you were before the disease. I know for anyone currently suffering from OCD this seems like an impossible idea, but it’s true. The main thing is to get professional help, learn about your illness, and don’t be afraid to tell those closest to you what is going on. They love you and will want to know that you are suffering so they can try to help.
Even as I write this article, I myself am not completely back to the person I was before OCD. It is still hard for me, especially in college with all the stress, to not fall back into old patterns of worrying and being overly hard on myself. Just know that it is possible to be successful in college with a mental illness. You may not have asked for this, but it’s what you have to deal with so don’t let it stop you from achieving your dreams! No one should suffer in silence with a mental illness, it is time to remove the stigma and educate ourselves and others. This can happen to anyone even those with whom we are closest. Living with OCD or any mental illness is hard, but it is not impossible. Do not let the mental illness define you as a person, it is a struggle that you have to learn to live with, but it is not a barrier that will prevent you from achieving your goals. My goal in writing this article was to reach one person who is suffering from a mental illness and let them know they are not alone and the disease has not won.