Walking around UNC, I saw the people surrounding the Pit, smiling at the beautiful day outside. I wanted to be joining them, but for me, there is always a dark cloud that blocks out the beautiful days.
Ever since January of this year, I have been struggling. I have been going through internal battles that seem neverending. I thought that this was the simple result of having gone through a break-up, having too much to do with no time to do it. It wasn’t that simple though. There was something much more going on, something that I could not handle by myself.
I started talking to someone at Campus Health after the breakup because I thought it might help to talk to someone that did not have an opinion on the matter; they were just there to listen, then help me from there. I was terrified going into my first session. I was scared that I would be judged for going to seek help. My counselor was welcoming and helpful. She listened to my problems and helped to redirect some of my feelings. I enjoyed working with her and getting to know her, but unfortunately Campus Health can only house eight sessions for students before referring them to outside resources to continue to get help.
At the end of our eight sessions, I felt completely comfortable with my counselor, but knew I would not have the opportunity to talk to her in sessions past that. The fears came back again. I was in a panic. She suggested I do a psychiatric evaluation with a doctor. After that, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder that is comorbid with anxiety. I was devastated. This meant medication, this meant therapy. This meant that what I thought was a small problem turned into something so big, that I could not even begin to fathom what would happen.
The year went on and it seemed as if everything was going wrong. I was not sleeping, I was not eating, my grades were suffering and I was in transition of finding a new therapist and getting used to my medication. I tried to talk to friends, but during the summer, they were over the things that made me sad. They were irritated that I was not recovering at the pace they thought I should. This made me feel like I had no one. I lost all interest in trying to better myself because I did not feel like I was worth it. I lay in bed in mental, physical, and emotional pain, not wanting to face the day because it terrified me. This caused me to miss class. The depression side of me wanted to not attempt to face the day, whereas the anxiety side of me got so upset for missing class. I was constantly in a battle with myself.
You all may have heard this before, but depression does not care who you are. Depression does not consider what you have currently, or what you may get in the future. It will knock you down when you least expect it. The thing to remember is, you have to keep trying. There are so many resources here at UNC. Depression and mental illness in general often have a stigma attached to them, which might make people less reluctant to seek help. If I had not sought out help, I would be in a much worse place than I am now. After my Campus Health sessions, I started treatment at UNC Hospitals and have been going there ever since. UNC Hospitals is in a great location for us students and there is also a Starbucks to stop by! Going to therapy has helped me a lot by learning how to finally get rid of the things that were making me upset. Of course I still have my bad days and I will continue to have to fight my way through those. We have seen so many cases of suicide recently with celebrities battling depression, Robin Williams being the most notable. Even though depression affects so many people, it is still a hidden issue that needs to be discussed.
1-800-273-8255
The National Suicide Hotline number is posted above. Depression is a major part of my life, but I do not want it to lead to me taking my own life. If you are ever feeling depressed and hopeless, please look to resources on campus, or talk to your family and friends. The UNC community is here to help.