The Best Way to Eat a Muffin

Only eat a muffin when you're hungry for one. This is when it'll taste the best. Do not think you are hungry for a muffin; doing so will create a false craving that will never be satisfied. Like water, muffins hit the spot when you haven't had any in a long time. Don't choose to eat a muffin because it is the only food available. You have settled if you do. It can be the most delicious muffin you've ever had, but your resignation to eat it over your true craving means the umami will be lost on your palette. Again, only eat a muffin when you're hungry -- truly hungry -- for one.

A cold muffin is okay. A room-temperature muffin is sufficient. Freshly baked muffins straight from the oven are daring but acceptable. A warm muffin is optimal in your quest for the best. If you're starting with a muffin straight from the oven, wait until the muffin has cooled enough for you to cradle it. The warmth should not be uncomfortable to touch, but it should radiate throughout your body. If you're starting with a cold muffin, utilize the microwave, even if you hate it.

Pay close attention to this next part. If you think you know better and you choose the heating time on your own, then you have completely missed the window for having the perfect muffin. Heat the muffin on a plate in the microwave for eight seconds. Not five or ten seconds, and definitely not more than ten. Eight. Eight seconds, and the muffin will reach the perfect temperature. It's soft, and whatever add-in is in the muffin is the perfect consistency. Blueberries are juicier. Chocolate chips are melty, but not runny. Everything is perfect.

When you sit down to eat the muffin, cut it in half. Right down the middle. Lay the two halves on the plate cut-side down. This is a less intuitive way to begin consuming your muffin. A fork is recommended, but fingers are just as capable. Beware of the potential mess, however. Start eating the muffin from the bottom up. Since you cut the muffin in half, this should be easy. Finish the bottoms of both halves, before eating the muffin top. The muffin top is the best part of the muffin and must be saved for last. Since that is the part of the muffin exposed to the heat directly, the crust on the muffin top is scrumptious and must be savored. 

Do not rush eating the muffin, even if it is so good you want to inhale it. Take a break out of the day to consume it. Create a liminal space in which you and the muffin can exist, so you can appreciate the flavors. This is the best way to eat a muffin.